3am - bottle time for Sommer. Nothing exciting happens here, I'm partially awake, she's partially cute, I'm fecking exhausted.
5am - time to get up and start the day, this is when i get Greggs bag ready, have a coffee, wash out the bottles, make more bottles and make Greggs coffee. By 5.30 Gregg and Heath are both up and i tidy the rooms and make beds. Sommer is still sleeping, I'm jealous. Think about screaming in her ear to wake her, for no particular reason but decide against it. (at least, that's what I'm saying on here) I replace the matchsticks to my eyes and see Gregg off to work.
Time to open the paddock up for the dogs and to clean up their poos. There are no poos, this can only mean one thing - the dogs have once again, escaped the yard while we were all sleeping. I check the usual yard and there's no poos there either, their normal escape routes are also still intact - the dogs had NOT escaped, there were definitely no poos, so now it meant something more serious. A week ago i needed more room in my freezer so i gave the dogs a few too many of their bones, which i didn't know at the time, but apparently this can block up their bowels and the only way to help get things moving is to ... well .. let's just say my mental note was for Gregg to be sticking his finger up the dogs butts .. "Welcome home Gregg, go fingers the dogs butts please?" .. hmm
At 5.45am i enter the laundry VERY cautiously, with a full can of fly spray in hand, pointed and ready to fire, there is however NO sign of last nights 'killer-head-flyer-ater' cockroach. I carry on unloading the washing machine with one hand just in case the roach makes an appearance. Bastard.
At this point i return to the kitchen and make some more notes. Get pissed off with making notes. Have a little thinking session, i mean .. seriously, 24 hours of this? It's been 45 minutes and I'm over it. Nobody is going to read this. Hey .. you, yes you .. person reading this, you are a wanker! Ha! Yo Momma so fat she sat on a pack of skittles and invented the rainbow!! YEAH!! If anyone IS reading, sorry, I didn't mean that!
Anywhoooo .. I load up the 2nd load of washing, it's Sommers nappies this time. The stench of her wee soaked nappies, which have been sitting in the bucket for 48 hours now, makes me gag. I wonder again, why i didn't just choose disposable nappies then i remember, it's because I'm a hippy. I quickly search the house for my hippy bong but can't find it. I then remember i am unforunately not THAT much of a hippy. Make a mental note to step up my hippy antics and get a bong. Two bongs even. Once I'm finished gagging i realise i really need the nappy which Sommer is wearing now to go into the wash with the others as i have limited night nappies and need it washed ready for use again. I try and change her nappy without waking her. I fail. I smack myself on the forehead. I look like a fucking psycho. And at this point, i make a mental note to ask Amy where she bought the penguin nappies so i can get 2 more.
6am - sit on my bed and feed Sommer. Heath's watching telly and Roxiee wakes mid bottle and joins us. She tells me all about her dream ... "And, then the dinosaur was like .. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU" .. so i said .. "NO, here, have an icy pole instead" .. and then he ate the icy pole, and we didn't die"
I'm fascinated by her dream, really, i am. I'm surprised there are no dinosaurs under her bed when i go tidy her room. Not one! huh?
6.15 - shower time. Sommer has a splash in the bath while Roxiee and i shower. Roxiee looks at my naked body and laughs. Not even discreetly, she just looks right at my nakedness, and laughs. At this point i make several mental notes ..
1 - do not shower with Roxiee any more.
2 - use my new found sewing skills to make Roxiee some REALLY awful clothes. Take LOTS of photos of these really awful clothes and put them aside to show everyone at her 21st. EVERYONE!!
3 - last but not least, book myself in for a boob job, tummy tuck and face lift. Stat.
After the shower i get Roxiee dry and send her off to get some undies on, telling her that i will get her fully dressed in a minute. I get Sommer dry and dressed, then i start dressing myself, while Heath is in the shower.
I ask Roxiee to stop running around naked and remind her she is meant to be getting some knickers on.
I manage to get some underwear on myself then check on Heath, he wants me to look at his bum and make sure it's clean. It is clean. Awesome. We hi-5.
Roxiee is still running around, naked. I shout. She runs to her room. I check on her after I'm fully dressed and she has knickers on. I congratulate her, we Hi-5.
Sommer is having a sook so i spend a few minutes with her and she falls asleep on my bed.
I catch Roxiee out the corner of my eye .. "ROXIEE, WHYYYYYY are you naked AGAIN? Get some bloody knickers on, please!"
6.50 - the whole family is dressed, even Roxiee! I consider straightening my hair but throw a headband in instead. Heath and Roxiee are playing together nicely, Sommer is asleep, so i head outside to hang the washing. I get half way through then come check on the kids. Heath and Roxiee are STILL playing nicely and there is no sign of severed limbs or blood anywhere. Yay. I Hi-5 myself. Go back to hang more washing.
I return and am surprised to see them STILL playing nicely. As i take photographic evidence i notice that Roxiee is once again, naked.
7.20 - big kids have breakfast. I dress Roxiee again. Heath does his home reading folder.
7.30 - QUICK! COFFEE TIME!!
Roxiee and i jump around the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil. I realise i may look like Estelle and i quickly stop. Ew. I take the bins out instead.
I remind the kids it's my birthday soon. Heath sighs and says "yes Mum, we know" .. I'm pretty sure i hear Roxiee say "oh for fucks sakes, give it a rest you annoying bitch"
7.35 - put away dishes while sipping coffee. Roxiee is still dressed, WIN! Hi-5. I quickly tidy up the bathroom and find myself wondering how Gregg manages to get toothpaste up on the mirror, every day!?!
7.40 - boobs keep falling out of my top so i change tops. Sommer is awake. Sit with all three kids on the couch and have cuddles while drinking my cold coffee.
7.50 - Make sure we are all ready to leave. Roxiee is still wearing clothes which is a bonus. Take headband off as it's cutting off my circulation and strangling my brain. Give it to Roxiee and put a baseball cap on instead.
Curse gregg for still not putting any full length mirrors in the house, use iphone to check i am reasonably presentable. I'm not, but there's no time to do anything about it anyways.
Curse gregg for still not putting any full length mirrors in the house, use iphone to check i am reasonably presentable. I'm not, but there's no time to do anything about it anyways.
Roxiee wants a photo of her and Sommer.
Then i take a photo of Heath coz, let's face it, he's handsome as all feck.
8am - time to go. Take Heath to school and do all the 'schoolish' stuff with him. See that he's happy, swaps his library book, does his wordwall. His teacher tells me in her very polite way that he is gaining more confidence and getting a little cheeky. I'm stoked to hear this. Hi-5.
Home at about 8.45, Roxiee wants a DVD on. I quickly put away washing from yesterday. Stare at the chicken breasts which are defrosting. Consider throwing them out and ordering Pizza instead. Think that's an unjustified waste and i will use them to make Chicken Parmas, or Chicken in Pyjamas as the kids call them.
Search through THE messiest food pantry IN THE WORLD looking for breadcrumbs. There is shit everywhere and i have to pull everything out to get to the stuff at the back. Tiny cupboard + lots of food = terrible, terrible mess. I make a mental note to clean it all out and organise it better. I quickly throw everything back in and close the door real fast so nothing has a chance to fall out. Realise i didn't retrieve the breadcrumbs. Repeat all above steps. Swear lots. Try and convince Roxiee that i WASN'T saying rude words, i was saying "Silly pretty truck"
8.50 - change Sommers nappy and do her bottle. Check facebook while feeding Sommer. Roxiee and i have a quick cuddle too. Every now and then when i get a quiet moment with some of my kids i reflect on how i wasn't always lucky enough to be a stay at home mummy. When i have these reflective moments i like to quickly text message some x's and o's to Gregg as he's the one who makes it possible for me to stay home. Text hubby the x's and o's. He replies .. "How much money have you spent?"
9.10 - bottle is finished. Pour Greggs Cougar and put it in the fridge ready for when he gets home. Start on dinner. Once dinner is prepped,do dishes, tidy the kitchen.
Roxiees DVD is finished and i tell her that's enough TV for the day, until Heath gets home. She protests. I turn the radio on. She dances and forgets she was protesting.
I quickly run to the laundry to try catch the bastard Roach. It's nowhere in sight. Prick.
Go turn sprinklers on outside. Roxiee is still dancing, though she looks dizzy. Check washing while I'm outside, it's dry but i can't be assed bringing it in right now.
Go to the other yard and check on dogs. There are no dead Kangaroos or birds in sight this time. Win. Fill their water bowls. Roxiee has followed me outside and i ask her to stop licking Bundys head. Two seconds later i ask her to stop licking Cougars head.
10 - Roxiee is eating biscuits. Sommer is doing a poo. I change the nappy and wash the poo out. Gag. Wash more poo out. Gag. This goes on for a few minutes. Gag. Clean. Gag. Gag. Wonder again why i didn't just go with disposables. Look for bong again. Can't find it so settle for water as i sit and write the thank you cards for Heath and Roxiee's teachers for World Teachers Day tomorrow.
10.15 - Sommer is laying on the mat. Roxiee is reading some books. I'm bang out of excuses so head outside to bring some washing in. Fold it, put it all away. Turn sprinklers off.
Check for cockroach again. No luck. If that prick flies at my head again tonight i am going to lose my shit. Hardcore.
10.30 - make myself a sandwich. Roxiee asks for a Vegemite one. We sit to eat. Roxiee declares she doesn't like Vegemite. I declare she is giving me grey hairs.
10.45 - Step 2 of dinner preparation. As I'm in the kitchen, "Move it" comes onto the radio. Roxiee and i have a quick dance around the kitchen. I think back to Estelle and stop. Wanker.
I send Roxiee to clean up her room while i finish the dinner prep. Chuck Sommers dummy back in as she's having a rare lala moment.
11 - dinner prep complete. More dishes and more tidying of the kitchen.
Roxiee asks to watch a DVD, i agree and we all have a snuggle on the couch and watch "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs"
12.30 - DVD is finished. Check mail. Read letters. Swear at bills. Fuck you 2 x car rego's. Fuck you.
12.45 - Sommers bottle.
1pm - Roxiee is playing cars. Put Sommer in the wrap and go get the nappies off the line. Bring them all in, fold them all up and start putting them away. Sommer vomits down my boobs, as i quickly wipe it up using my finger i get to thinking about when i used to have time to take pride in my presentation. These days i take into consideration HOW MUCH vomit or urine has been expelled upon me before even thinking about changing outfits.
"Nah, that was only half a wee, it'll dry in no time" .. mental note - stop being so fucking disgusting. Change your clothes when you get pissed on!
Straighten the house again. Wipe more vomit. Decide i have indeed had enough vomit for one day and put Sommer on the mat. She cries. I put her on her tummy time spinner dob-y-lacky so she has to practice holding her head up. She cries. Sigh and put her in the pram. She laughs at me and says .. "I win bitch, i win"
Continue straightening the house. Catch the girls sharing a moment and take a photo.
Roxiee is eating an icy pole and putting her cold hand onto Sommers nudie chest, making her giggle. Think about taking a quick video to post on the blog then realise that nobody would have read this far. Settle for a photo instead.
Run some more washing to the laundry and have another quick look for the killer roach. GUESS WHAT?!?!
You fucking ripper!!! .. he was dead!! .. found him behind the shoe basket. So apparently i didn't waste the entire can of fly spray last night when i went into psycho sprayer mode. That'll learn the focker to come flying at my head. Hi-5.
Enough celebrating. It's time to get down to the business side of things and dispose of the body.
"ROXIEEEEEE"
God i love that kid. She's my hero.
After disposing of the body, and then spraying inside the rubbish bag just to make sure he was dead, Roxiee has a thought full look on her face. The random little darling that she is ..
"Mum, when we have had enough of Sommer, can we just put her up for sale?"
"Uhh .. no. She's part of the family. She's with us forever and we love her very much"
....
"oh. Well, anyway .. i like butterflies"
1.50pm - 30 minutes until it's time to get Heath. Roxiee is still dressed. Sommer is laying happily on the floor. I make a start on tomorrows lunches while both girls are happy
1.50pm and 34 seconds - Sommer is no longer happy.
Put Sommer in the pram and rock with foot while packing lunches and making more bottles. Put more dishes away.
2.25 - it's time to go get Heath. I ask Roxiee to go to the toilet and get some shoes on. She emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later with her skirt tucked into her knickers and one shoe on.
"I'm ready"
Good enough. Let's go.
3.15 - home with all three kids intact. Heath and Roxiee hug at the car as they've missed each other, then fight the entire way home. As usual.
"I hate you"
"i hate you more. Stop talking to me you dumb head"
"MUMMMMMMMM, Roxiee is swearing"
*turn radio up louder*
Heath sits on the couch, has a snack and watches some telly to unwind. Roxiee runs around the backyard like a wild animal who has just been let out of a cage for the first time. I ask her to put some pants on. Sommer begins 'grumpy hour' as per every day around this time.
Roxiee joins us inside and i hand her some more pants. Don't know where the others are but I'm sure they will turn up. Both big kids sit and watch telly. Sommer is screaming hysterically (hysterically for her anyways) unless i rock backwards and forwards 4 times, then to the left 2 steps and to the right 4 shuffles, while humming a mindless tune. I decide it's almost the weekend and i pour myself a weak Cougar, whilst still keeping my rocking rhythm.
3.45 - rocking is no longer working. Sitting is out of the question. I resort to pacing the house, occasionally walking via the kitchen and having a sip of my Cougar. Mental note - make Cougar stronger next time. Or - let Sommer have a quick swig.
4pm - Start measuring out and pinning some fabric ready for tomorrows mission of library bag making. Wonder where Gregg is, he's always home by 3.45. Think about life insurance and how early is too early to start spending it?
4.10 - put oven on. Sort Heath and Roxiee out. She has smacked him over the head with his Star Wars light saber thingymajig. She's says she's very sorry and she won't do it again for the rest of today.
Good enough.
4.15 - continue pinning fabric. Kids are watching DVD nicely again. Nobody is missing limbs. There is no blood on the carpet. Hi-5.
4.16 - Hear Greggs car pull up. Stop googling Vegas holidays. There is no insurance policy. Return to fabric. Bummed about insurance policy, but glad to still have my husband. Who i love dearly. I love you, husband x
4.20 - Put Sommer in the pram as i need to use the stove now and we all know how that sometimes ends. It's all fun and games untill someone sets themselves alight. Small talk with husband. He worked hard today.
4.45 - Sommers bottle.
5 - Start to dish up dinner. Break up Heath and Roxiees fight. Serve dinner. Break up another fight. Start cutting up Roxiee's chicken. She's still wearing pants. Break up fight. Ban all forms of communication whilst at the dining table. It's in their best interests. They reform to burping and making fart sounds. I consider bashing their heads together. Decide against it. Join in making fart sounds.
6pm - dinner is finished. Table is cleared. Dishes are scraped.
**************************************************************
This is as far as i got in my notes .. but you get the jist, this my friends, is what a day in the life of moi would look like if you were that fly on the wall. If however, you were a cockroach on the wall, that'd be a WHOLE other story. As i WOULD, kill the shit out of you.
Bye for now friends x
