Christmas is coming. But so's the end of the world!

Christmas is coming and I've been kindly reminded to do another blog. I can understand why I am in such high demand, I mean ..bitch, I'm fabulous!! (been DYING to say that, and given that I spend all my time with my three small children, believe it or not there hasn't really been an opportunity to let it out so thank gosh for this blog!) .. "Mum, thanks for the sandwich  .. "Bitch, I'm fabulous!" .. "Mummmmm, Roxiee is naked again and she has her bum on the table AND I don't think she wiped it properly" .. "Bitch, I'm fabulous!" .. now, surely you can see how I've not been able to use this in a conversation lately. Right?

Aside from the fact that I needed to blog again, it has also been bought to my attention that the world is ending tomorrow. It's all meant to start from midnight tonight I believe, so, given that information I don't want to spend TOO much time updating you on here, instead I'm going to do a quick update, throw a few photos in, then spend the day at the pools with my little ones. There is also a 1kg tub of frozen cocktails in my freezer, if I'm dying tonight/tomorrow, I will not die a thirsty woman.

So - where are we at?

In the past few months I've spent a lot of my spare time getting my craft on. It started as headbands for my girls, then a library bag for Heath, a mei tai for my daughter to carry her dolls, and now includes dresses, mini bags, cuddle blankies and the most recent item was a pink pair of sock protectors for my husband to give one of his work mates!! Santa is bringing me an over locker which I imagine will make things much easier. I have had lots of people ask where the headbands came from etc so I've also been making custom items for other people which has been AWESOME fun!! I've made a start on a facebook page where I can advertise the little bits n' bobs I make and people can order some custom items. I'm going to work on a few more things, with the over locker over the holidays, and then open the page up when my 2 big ones head to school in late Jan. (provided of course that the world doesn't end .. DOH!)

Speaking of craft - check out these awesomely awesome shoes!!! If you are after a pair of shoes with ANYTHING painted on them then you should look up "Courtney Mikelat" on facebook as there is nothing that she can't make happen on a pair of white canvas shoes!!!

My boy is growing up so fast, he will be returning to school as a big grade 2 boy next year. One minute I was 41 weeks pregnant, the size of 3 whales, with cankles the size of big ole oak tree's, nek minut - mother to a 6 year old! Bitch, I'm fabulous! Update on Heath, I spent some time observing him (read : spying) during a PE class and he appeared to be a little on the reserved side. I had a chat with him that night about not being 'the shy' kid, I reminded him about how much fun he has at home, how he's so cheeky and always making us laugh, and that it was okay to do all these things at school, provided he still listened to the teachers. Next PE class a week later as the children all came running out at the home time bell, I turned to the Mum I was chatting with and motioned her to look at the child running in the opposite direction, clutching at his crotch and shouting .. "HEYYY, GET A LOAD OF THIS!!" .. it was all rather hilarious until I realized it was Heath. The next day I had to pick him up early, I 'observed' him again, this time he was under his desk, with his work book and pencil case, laughing his head off. His little buddy who sits next to him just looked at me and shook his head like .. "Bitch, I'm fabulous!" .. (well, that's how I perceived his nod anyway!) .. I spoke to Heath that night and asked him if he was being a bit silly at school, his reply was .. "No, just being naughty like you told me Mum!" .. we had a few more discussions about finding a balance between not being shy, but not being a crotch thrusting crazy man either.


Roxiee - my little pocket rocket has graduated from Kinder, done a few school orientations and is all ready to start Prep in the new year. She's still as crazy as ever, but that's the way we love her. Her and Heath got in trouble for using sticks as swords the other day. 2 minutes later Heath came in with a scratch on his arm where Roxiee had hurt him with the very same stick we took of her. Gregg gave her a stern talking to .. "We don't use sticks to hurt each other, that wasn't very nice, I don't want you doing it again" etc etc .. Roxiee in her most sweet, apologetic voice .. "Okay Daddy, I won't EVER do that again. But, it is okay to kick the shit out of bullies isn't it Daddy" .. Nice! I love how kids take the tiniest part of a conversation and repeat ONLY the part where it looks like the worst parenting in the world, at the most inappropriate time! Nice nice nice! Definitely a "Bitch, I'm fabulous" kinda moment!



Anywho, it's 6.30am, i got a few things to do before the world ends.

(I didn't forget Sommer - her update is short and sweet, she's still smiling, eating, sleeping and her newest trick is rolling from her back onto her tummy, and then screaming blue murder like you have just taken her frozen cocktail glass from her!)

Parenting gig

So, the news is in, this parenting gig is hard work and quite frankly, I take my chosen profession pretty damned seriously. Pretty much every waking hour is spent doing something with my kids, for my kids, or at the very least, thinking about what i will do with or for the kids next. I do status updates daily about my kids latest achievements, I post photos of every single award Heath has ever been presented with, I boast about every good comment I have ever had regarding my kids. My  kids are my life and there is not a single other thing in this world that is more important, so naturally it is what I talk about most.

Day 5 of having Sommer at home and she rolled from her front to her back (or vice versa, I don't recall the finer details) I posted it to facebook straight away. Did I post it to make some kind of  "my baby is better than yours" deal amongst other new Mums? No, I posted that she had rolled over because .. wait for it .. because she had rolled over, and let's face it, I post EVERYTHING to facebook. It's what i do. When i get that first grey pube, guess where you're gunna hear about it? Did people have little whispers amongst themselves .. "Oh my god, did you see Sharon's post, she thinks her baby is a genius" .. yes, I have no doubt at all in my mind that this is exactly what at least some people would have done. I don't think this parenting gig is a competition. I am not competing with other parents, I am however competing with myself. Every day I want to be a better parent than the one I was the day before.

I have parenting books. Sometimes I read them. Sometimes I envision smacking my kids over the head with them. I find both my uses of these books beneficial!!

I have sticker charts for everything. We have a 'love tank' .. it's where I write positive things to each child daily and use it to boost their self esteem. I made a canvas painting for Heath where I listed some positive things about him .. "Heath is .. awesome, handsome, clever, funny" etc  .. I stuck it up on his wall and hopefully he looks at it as he is going to sleep each night and nods off thinking good things about himself. Am I this positive all the time? No. Quite often I go to bed upset that I yelled at the kids so much that day. Sometimes I say terrible things to the kids which I'm sure damages their self esteem, the love tank and the canvas and the sticker charts are my way of fixing my fuck ups. Do I think I am awesome for realizing my fuck ups and wanting to fix them? Yes, yes I do. So awesome that I just hi-5'd myself.

I volunteer at Heaths school on a Wednesday in the 'happy room' .. do I do this to win brownie points? To feel like I'm a better Mum than the others who don't volunteer? No, I do this because I wanted to see for myself how Heath was settling in at school and if he was making friends. I do this because Heath started catching a bus to school on a Wednesday and by volunteering on this day I get to double check that he did indeed make it to school. I pretty much do this to spy on my son! Do I enjoy volunteering at the school? Sometimes yes, it's fun hanging out with the kids and doing nothing but 'the fun stuff'. There are no dishes to be done, there is no washing to be bought in, there are no windows to be cleaned. The happy room is just 'the fun stuff' .. some days I hate it and think 98% of the kids are a total pain in the arse, then I give them a sticker for helping me to pack up and in my head I think .. "Little shits did an awful job, now I gotta repack everything"

Sometimes my kids lunchboxes are full of junk. A badly put together jam sandwich, a sugar filled donut and a whole heap of other packaged goods. The next day they might have a wholemeal salad wrap, homemade banana muffins, frozen yogurts and sultanas. Sometimes I do the big meat and veg dinner, sometimes we have beans on toast. Usually the newsletters give reminders about 'healthy snacks' .. that's when I bust out the wholemeal salad wrap. The next day is usually a case of .. "agh fuck it, Jam sarnie again kids?"

Sometimes I have all the time in the world to answer all those annoying questions .. "Mum, why is the sky blue?" .. sometimes i see this as the perfect opportunity to google an answer and educate my kids, sometimes I ask my children to please stop talking. Sometimes I don't even ask so nicely,  may just angrily tell them to be quiet. When that happens, it's another one of those nights where I will go to bed upset that i was so harsh.

As parents, the majority of us are so, so, SO harsh to ourselves. On the days where I tell myself I am a shitty parent, I make a pact with myself to do a better job tomorrow, that's when I bust out the wholemeal salad wraps and new sticker charts, or make a mental note to take the kids for an ice cream after school and sit to watch a DVD with them. I know it's essential for me to have the shitty parenting days so I have something to look back on and want to improve on.  Would I want to be perfect all the time, not really. I think it's healthy for my kids to see me on my shitty days because lets face it, it's highly likely that in their own adult lives when they are making relationships and having their own kids, they will probably come across some more humans who are also not perfect.


I am my biggest critic. I am also my biggest fan. Overall, I am happy with the way I handle this parenting gig. Some days suck, some days don't. I am trying my hardest to be the best parent I can be, I am learning from mistakes, some of those mistakes are mine, some of those mistakes even belong to others and I have just observed them. Do I think I am a better parent than Jo-Blow? .. I don't know Jo-Blow, I don't know her circumstances, I don't know why Jo-Blow does things the way she does and I've never walked to the pub in Jo-Blows shoes so no, I'm not saying i'm a better parent than Jo-Blow, i'm saying that I am a better parent today than I was yesterday. This competition is with myself, not Jo.

A day in the life of .. moi.

So, here it is, the mother of all blogs. Too often my friends say to me that they would like to be a fly on the wall in my house, so for 24 hours yesterday i jotted down every single happening, as it was happening. Yes, i DO have too much time on my hands. Welcome to the life of moi ..

3am - bottle time for Sommer. Nothing exciting happens here, I'm partially awake, she's partially cute, I'm fecking exhausted.

5am - time to get up and start the day, this is when i get Greggs bag ready, have a coffee, wash out the bottles, make more bottles and make Greggs coffee. By 5.30 Gregg and Heath are both up and i tidy the rooms and make beds. Sommer is still sleeping, I'm jealous. Think about screaming in her ear to wake her, for no particular reason but decide against it. (at least, that's what I'm saying on here) I replace the matchsticks to my eyes and see Gregg off to work.

Time to open the paddock up for the dogs and to clean up their poos. There are no poos, this can only mean one thing - the dogs have once again, escaped the yard while we were all sleeping. I check the usual yard and there's no poos there either, their normal escape routes are also still intact - the dogs had NOT escaped, there were definitely no poos, so now it meant something more serious. A week ago i needed more room in my freezer so i gave the dogs a few too many of their bones, which i didn't know at the time, but apparently this can block up their bowels and the only way to help get things moving is to ... well .. let's just say my mental note was for Gregg to be sticking his finger up the dogs butts .. "Welcome home Gregg, go fingers the dogs butts please?" .. hmm

At 5.45am i enter the laundry VERY cautiously, with a full can of fly spray in hand, pointed and ready to fire, there is however NO sign of last nights 'killer-head-flyer-ater' cockroach. I carry on unloading the washing machine with one hand just in case the roach makes an appearance. Bastard.



At this point i return to the kitchen and make some more notes. Get pissed off with making notes. Have a little thinking session, i mean .. seriously, 24 hours of this? It's been 45 minutes and I'm over it. Nobody is going to read this. Hey .. you, yes you .. person reading this, you are a wanker! Ha! Yo Momma so fat she sat on a pack of skittles and invented the rainbow!! YEAH!! If anyone IS reading, sorry, I didn't mean that!



Anywhoooo .. I load up the 2nd load of washing, it's Sommers nappies this time. The stench of her wee soaked nappies, which have been sitting in the bucket for 48 hours now, makes me gag. I wonder again, why i didn't just choose disposable nappies then i remember, it's because I'm a hippy. I quickly search the house for my hippy bong but can't find it. I then remember i am unforunately not THAT much of a hippy. Make a mental note to step up my hippy antics and get a bong. Two bongs even. Once I'm finished gagging i realise i really need the nappy which Sommer is wearing now to go into the wash with the others as i have limited night nappies and need it washed ready for use again. I try and change her nappy without waking her. I fail. I smack myself on the forehead. I look like a fucking psycho. And at this point, i make a mental note to ask Amy where she bought the penguin nappies so i can get 2 more.



6am - sit on my bed and feed Sommer. Heath's watching telly and Roxiee wakes mid bottle and joins us. She tells me all about her dream ... "And, then the dinosaur was like .. "I'M GOING TO EAT YOU" .. so i said .. "NO, here, have an icy pole instead" .. and then he ate the icy pole, and we didn't die"



I'm fascinated by her dream, really, i am. I'm surprised there are no dinosaurs under her bed when i go tidy her room. Not one! huh?



6.15 - shower time. Sommer has a splash in the bath while Roxiee and i shower. Roxiee looks at my naked body and laughs. Not even discreetly, she just looks right at my nakedness, and laughs. At this point i make several mental notes ..

1 - do not shower with Roxiee any more.

2 - use my new found sewing skills to make Roxiee some REALLY awful clothes. Take LOTS of photos of these really awful clothes and put them aside to show everyone at her 21st. EVERYONE!!

3 - last but not least, book myself in for a boob job, tummy tuck and face lift. Stat.


After the shower i get Roxiee dry and send her off to get some undies on, telling her that i will get her fully dressed in a minute. I get Sommer dry and dressed, then i start dressing myself, while Heath is in the shower.



I ask Roxiee to stop running around naked and remind her she is meant to be getting some knickers on.



I manage to get some underwear on myself then check on Heath, he wants me to look at his bum and make sure it's clean. It is clean. Awesome. We hi-5.



Roxiee is still running around, naked. I shout. She runs to her room. I check on her after I'm fully dressed and she has knickers on. I congratulate her, we Hi-5.



Sommer is having a sook so i spend a few minutes with her and she falls asleep on my bed.



I catch Roxiee out the corner of my eye .. "ROXIEE, WHYYYYYY are you naked AGAIN? Get some bloody knickers on, please!"



6.50 - the whole family is dressed, even Roxiee! I consider straightening my hair but throw a headband in instead. Heath and Roxiee are playing together nicely, Sommer is asleep, so i head outside to hang the washing. I get half way through then come check on the kids. Heath and Roxiee are STILL playing nicely and there is no sign of severed limbs or blood anywhere. Yay. I Hi-5 myself. Go back to hang more washing.



I return and am surprised to see them STILL playing nicely. As i take photographic evidence i notice that Roxiee is once again, naked.

7.20 - big kids have breakfast. I dress Roxiee again. Heath does his home reading folder.



7.30 - QUICK! COFFEE TIME!!



Roxiee and i jump around the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil. I realise i may look like Estelle and i quickly stop. Ew. I take the bins out instead.



I remind the kids it's my birthday soon. Heath sighs and says "yes Mum, we know" .. I'm pretty sure i hear Roxiee say "oh for fucks sakes, give it a rest you annoying bitch"



7.35 - put away dishes while sipping coffee. Roxiee is still dressed, WIN! Hi-5. I quickly tidy up the bathroom and find myself wondering how Gregg manages to get toothpaste up on the mirror, every day!?!



7.40 - boobs keep falling out of my top so i change tops. Sommer is awake. Sit with all three kids on the couch and have cuddles while drinking my cold coffee.

7.50 -  Make sure we are all ready to leave. Roxiee is still wearing clothes which is a bonus. Take headband off as it's cutting off my circulation and strangling my  brain. Give it to Roxiee and put a baseball cap on instead. 

Curse gregg for still not putting any full length mirrors in the house, use iphone to check i am reasonably presentable. I'm not, but there's no time to do anything about it anyways.

Roxiee wants a photo of her and Sommer.

Then i take a photo of Heath coz, let's face it, he's handsome as all feck.

8am - time to go. Take Heath to school and do all the 'schoolish' stuff with him. See that he's happy, swaps his library book, does his wordwall. His teacher tells me in her very polite way that he is gaining more confidence and getting a little cheeky. I'm stoked to hear this. Hi-5.

Home at about 8.45, Roxiee wants a DVD on. I quickly put away washing from yesterday. Stare at the chicken breasts which are defrosting. Consider throwing them out and ordering Pizza instead. Think that's an unjustified waste and i will use them to make Chicken Parmas, or Chicken in Pyjamas as the kids call them.

Search through THE messiest food pantry IN THE WORLD looking for breadcrumbs. There is shit everywhere and i have to pull everything out to get to the stuff at the back. Tiny cupboard + lots of food = terrible, terrible mess. I make a mental note to clean it all out and organise it better. I quickly throw everything back in and close the door real fast so nothing has a chance to fall out. Realise i didn't retrieve the breadcrumbs. Repeat all above steps. Swear lots. Try and convince Roxiee that i WASN'T saying rude words, i was saying "Silly pretty truck"

8.50 - change Sommers nappy and do her bottle. Check facebook while feeding Sommer. Roxiee and i have a quick cuddle too. Every now and then when i get a quiet moment with some of my kids i reflect on how i wasn't always lucky enough to be a stay at home mummy. When i have these reflective moments i like to quickly text message some x's and o's to Gregg as he's the one who makes it possible for me to stay home. Text hubby the x's and o's. He replies .. "How much money have you spent?"

9.10 - bottle is finished. Pour Greggs Cougar and put it in the fridge ready for when he gets home. Start on dinner. Once dinner is prepped,do dishes, tidy the kitchen.

Roxiees DVD is finished and i tell her that's enough TV for the day, until Heath gets home. She protests. I turn the radio on. She dances and forgets she was protesting.

I quickly run to the laundry to try catch the bastard Roach. It's nowhere in sight. Prick.

Go turn sprinklers on outside. Roxiee is still dancing, though she looks dizzy. Check washing while I'm outside, it's dry but i can't be assed bringing it in right now.

Go to the other yard and check on dogs. There are no dead Kangaroos or birds in sight this time. Win. Fill their water bowls. Roxiee has followed me outside and i ask her to stop licking Bundys head. Two seconds later i ask her to stop licking Cougars head.

10 - Roxiee is eating biscuits. Sommer is doing a poo. I change the nappy and wash the poo out. Gag. Wash more poo out. Gag. This goes on for a few minutes. Gag. Clean. Gag. Gag. Wonder again why i didn't just go with disposables. Look for bong again. Can't find it so settle for water as i sit and write the thank you cards for Heath and Roxiee's teachers for World Teachers Day tomorrow.

10.15 - Sommer is laying on the mat. Roxiee is reading some books. I'm bang out of excuses so head outside to bring some washing in. Fold it, put it all away. Turn sprinklers off.

Check for cockroach again. No luck. If that prick flies at my head again tonight i am going to lose my shit. Hardcore.

10.30 - make myself a sandwich. Roxiee asks for a Vegemite one. We sit to eat. Roxiee declares she doesn't like Vegemite. I declare she is giving me grey hairs.

10.45 - Step 2 of dinner preparation. As I'm in the kitchen, "Move it" comes onto the radio. Roxiee and i have a quick dance around the kitchen. I think back to Estelle and stop. Wanker.

I send Roxiee to clean up her room while i finish the dinner prep. Chuck Sommers dummy back in as she's having a rare lala moment.

11 - dinner prep complete. More dishes and more tidying of the kitchen.

Roxiee asks to watch a DVD, i agree and we all have a snuggle on the couch and watch "Cloudy with a chance of meatballs"

12.30 - DVD is finished. Check mail. Read letters. Swear at bills. Fuck you 2 x car rego's. Fuck you.

12.45 - Sommers bottle.

1pm - Roxiee is playing cars. Put Sommer in the wrap and go get the nappies off the line. Bring them all in, fold them all up and start putting them away. Sommer vomits down my boobs, as i quickly wipe it up using my finger i get to thinking about when i used to have time to take pride in my presentation. These days i take into consideration HOW MUCH vomit or urine has been expelled upon me before even thinking about changing outfits.

"Nah,  that was only half a wee, it'll dry in no time" .. mental note - stop being so fucking disgusting. Change your clothes when you get pissed on!

Straighten the house again. Wipe more vomit. Decide i have indeed had enough vomit for one day and put Sommer on the mat. She cries. I put her on her tummy time spinner dob-y-lacky so she has to practice holding her head up. She cries. Sigh and put her in the pram. She laughs at me and says .. "I win bitch, i win"

Continue straightening the house. Catch the girls sharing a moment and take a photo.

Roxiee is eating an icy pole and putting her cold hand onto Sommers nudie chest, making her giggle. Think about taking a quick video to post on the blog then realise that nobody would have read this far. Settle for a photo instead.

Run some more washing to the laundry and have another quick look for the killer roach. GUESS WHAT?!?!

You fucking ripper!!! .. he was dead!! .. found him behind the shoe basket. So apparently i didn't waste the entire can of fly spray last night when i went into psycho sprayer mode. That'll learn the focker to come flying at my head. Hi-5.

Enough celebrating. It's time to get down to the business side of things and dispose of the body.

"ROXIEEEEEE"

God i love that kid. She's my hero.

After disposing of the body, and then spraying inside the rubbish bag just to make sure he was dead, Roxiee has a thought full look on her face. The random little darling that she is ..

"Mum, when we have had enough of Sommer, can we just put her up for sale?"

"Uhh .. no. She's part of the family. She's with us forever and we love her very much"

....

"oh. Well, anyway .. i like butterflies"

1.50pm - 30 minutes until it's time to get Heath. Roxiee is still dressed. Sommer is laying happily on the floor. I make a start on tomorrows lunches while both girls are happy

1.50pm and 34 seconds - Sommer is no longer happy.

Put Sommer in the pram and rock with foot while packing lunches and making more bottles. Put more dishes away.

2.25 - it's time to go get Heath. I ask Roxiee to go to the toilet and get some shoes on. She emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later with her skirt tucked into her knickers and one shoe on.

"I'm ready"

Good enough. Let's go.

3.15 - home with all three kids intact. Heath and Roxiee hug at the car as they've missed each other, then fight the entire way home. As usual.

"I hate you"

"i hate you more. Stop talking to me you dumb head"

"MUMMMMMMMM, Roxiee is swearing"

*turn radio up louder*

Heath sits on the couch, has a snack and watches some telly to unwind. Roxiee runs around the backyard like a wild animal who has just been let out of a cage for the first time. I ask her to put some pants on. Sommer begins 'grumpy hour' as per every day around this time.

Roxiee joins us inside and i hand her some more pants. Don't know where the others are but I'm sure they will turn up. Both big kids sit and watch telly. Sommer is screaming hysterically (hysterically for her anyways) unless i rock backwards and forwards 4 times, then to the left 2 steps and to the right 4 shuffles, while humming a mindless tune. I decide it's almost the weekend and i pour myself a weak Cougar, whilst still keeping my rocking rhythm.

3.45 - rocking is no longer working. Sitting is out of the question. I resort to pacing the house, occasionally walking via the kitchen and having a sip of my Cougar. Mental note - make Cougar stronger next time. Or - let Sommer have a quick swig.

4pm - Start measuring out and pinning some fabric ready for tomorrows mission of library bag making. Wonder where Gregg is, he's always home by 3.45. Think about life insurance and how early is too early to start spending it?

4.10 - put oven on. Sort Heath and Roxiee out. She has smacked him over the head with his Star Wars light saber thingymajig. She's says she's very sorry and she won't do it again for the rest of today.

Good enough.

4.15 - continue pinning fabric. Kids are watching DVD nicely again. Nobody is missing limbs. There is no blood on the carpet. Hi-5.

4.16 - Hear Greggs car pull up. Stop googling Vegas holidays. There is no insurance policy. Return to fabric. Bummed about insurance policy, but glad to still have my husband. Who i love dearly. I love you, husband x

4.20 - Put Sommer in the pram as i need to use the stove now and we all know how that sometimes ends. It's all fun and games untill someone sets themselves alight. Small talk with husband. He worked hard today.

4.45 - Sommers bottle.

5 - Start to dish up dinner. Break up Heath and Roxiees fight. Serve dinner. Break up another fight. Start cutting up Roxiee's chicken. She's still wearing pants. Break up fight. Ban all forms of communication whilst at the dining table. It's in their best interests. They reform to burping and making fart sounds. I consider bashing their heads together. Decide against it. Join in making fart sounds.

6pm - dinner is finished. Table is cleared. Dishes are scraped.

**************************************************************

This is as far as i got in my notes .. but you get the jist, this my friends, is what a day in the life of moi would look like if you were that fly on the wall. If however, you were a cockroach on the wall, that'd be a WHOLE other story. As i WOULD, kill the shit out of you.

Bye for now friends x

This kid be nuts!

What do you get when you cross a 4 year old girl, with my genes? .. you get Roxiee. Roxiee Leigh. Nuff said? .. i don't think so!!!

Last week her Dad picked her up from kinder as per usual but when she got her home he said that she needed to talk to me about something which happened at Kinder ..

.. "Roxiee, what happened at Kinder?"
.. "Ohhhh, THAT .. well, i was running on the grass and a zipper went up my nose"
"A .. what? .. huh? .. what has happened, Roxiee?"
"Well, i was running, and then i fell over on the grass, onto a zipper and it went up my nose, and got stuck!"
"Roxiee, was a zipper up your nose?"
"Yeah. It's still there. It sort of hurts"
"Roxiee this is really important, is there REALLY a zipper up your nose?"
"Yeah" .. *big smile*
"okay, so tell me how it REALLY got there so i can tell the Dr"

"I was running on the grass ..
"Roxiee, that isn't the truth. I NEED the truth to tell the Dr"
"okay Mummy. I was sleeping on my bed, not doing nothing, then a boy came up and stuck a zipper up my nose and it got stuck and then i couldn't sleep anymore because a zipper was up my nose and it got stuck!!"
"this still isn't true, Roxiee, i need you to tell me the REAL truth, right now before i ring the Dr. The Dr does NOT like lies"
.. *sigh* .. "Okay mummy. I did it. I stuck a zipper up my nose. It's very stuck"

.. naturally there was a Dr's visit. There was a possibility that she had inhaled the zip to a lung. There was the possibility (according to the Dr) that she hadn't stuck a zipper up her nose at all because .. "I am sorry Mrs Sutherland but i can't see anything, it is very unlikely that she has stuck a zipper, of all things, so far up her nose that i can not see it .. very unlikely indeed" .. "I understand where you are coming from Dr, BUT .. you don't know Roxiee, she's crazy, there WILL be a zipper somewhere in her body" .. sure enough, further investigation showed a zipper, from her kinder bag, lodged SO far up her nostril that it practically pierced her brain (my interpretation, not the Dr's) .. the Dr's interpretation was that it was lodged so far up that she thought we would need to go to the hospital to get it removed. Luckily Roxiee was brave and patient enough to get the zipper removed in the Dr's surgery, saving us the hospital trip.

So this, this is what you get when you cross a 4 year old girl, with my genes. She's crazy and i love her.

I guess .. there really never was much hope for her when family days at the beach go a little something like this .. hmm ..

And .. i guess there isn't much hope for the baby sister when she's already getting into these shenanigans at only 9 weeks old ..

.. family photos

So, those who know me know how much i CHERISH photos, especially those of my kids. Well, what's even better than photos of my kids? .. photos of ALL OF US .. A lovely friend of mine who is also a very  talented photographer did a family photo session for us at our fav beach, Sommie was a few days short of her 2 week birthday. The photo's completely blew me away more than i expected and I'm over the moon at some of the special moments which were captured. It was HARD work choosing my favs from over 360 photos, but i did eventually choose some favs and some quotes which are special to me and with some more clever work by Briana, these are the canvas' which are on their way to me ..



my fav





Nawwwwwww





Sommer Nicole





Heath Stephen






Roxiee Leigh

 So all of these GORGEOUS photos are thanks to Briana Corry from http://www.sweetbphotography.com/ .. please check out and like her facebook page at http://www.facebook.com/#!/SweetB.Photography

ANDDDDDD .. while I'm at it, we were also offered the opportunity to have Sommer model some gorgeous handmade beanies, bonnets, headbands and bracelets for a local lady  .. check this out ..

Please check out the photographers page at http://www.cassandrakirkphotography.com/ and go like her facebook page http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Cassandra-Kirk-Photography/197205050593

and also the page which belongs to the lady who makes the items which Sommer was modelling .. http://www.facebook.com/PhotographyPropsByAliciaLane?ref=tss .. keep your eyes on these two pages as they will be adding more of Sommers photos very soon i believe :-)

Phew .. think i"m done plugging everyone who needed to be plugged now!!

Bye for now friends.

Oh .. and feel free to help me plug by sharing this blog with your friends and your friends friends. 

I'm back!

“You need to blog again, I miss your blog” .. Famous words from the sister. As promised, I’m back!! So... I’m writing this in word for now as my internet is down, therefore I can’t load my blog and see what the last one was and where to start with this one .. somewhere between blogs we gave birth to one of the most beautiful girls to ever enter this earth. Sommer Nicole Sutherland. She entered this world, via my sun roof on Monday the 13th of August. At a hefty 9lb 2oz (a fraction under, if we’re going to be particular!) and 57cms long, one of my first reactions to my little hipposaurus was .. “thank Christ she’s huge, it shows my tummy wasn’t ALL donuts!” ..she’s perfect and we are all madly in love with her. She’s a blessing and I’m 99.9% sure that she took so long to conceive because someone up above needed for us to learn a very valuable life lesson first .. that lesson was that the fancy houses aren’t important, both of us working full time and having our babies in childcare so we could afford to give them the best clothes and the latest gadgets, while that works for some families, it isn’t what works for us. I believe someone up above waited for us to learn this by giving away all our fancies and moving to Bundaberg for a simpler life. Once we begun the Bundy journey that someone upstairs was happy that we had learnt and they let us plant our little baby seed, our little blessing, our little Sommer.


There was never a doubt about what her name would be, of course she would be Sommer, her name represents our Bundy journey into better, and warmer things. Sommer Nicole.

You’ve probably heard enough mush, yes? .. okay, moving right along to something a little more entertaining. In this little bag of tricks I have .. catheter stories, lochia stories .. oh oh oh .. I know, I’ll go with my hospital share room stories!! .. so, I had a c-section which is relatively un-gross compared to a vaginal birth. In my shared room, by listening to my neighbor, I learnt that she .. “was ripped a new arsehole” .. “can’t walk” .. “Is going to die when she needs to shit” .. and, that she was now walking like the hunchback from BundyBase. As I observed this conversation, with my vagina still intact, my anus remaining as it was the day I was born and no tremendous fear of a fecal movement, I couldn’t help but be a little thank full that my body has no idea what to do regarding childbirth thus why all three of my kids exit via my sunroof (yes, not because I’m ‘too posh to push’)

A week or so before the scheduled c-section, I got to thinking .. “well, I can’t see ‘down there’ anymore with my protruding tummy” so I’m a little nervous as to what kind of wild untamed bush the surgeon (and whoever else) may be seeing .. I really should go get waxed, or something! .. then the hospital gave me some handouts saying to leave well enough alone, not to shave etc and that they take care of everything. YAY! .. I was relieved. One less thing to do!! Little did I know they would get me to lay spread eagled on my hospy bed, BEFORE giving me any morphine so I could at least be spacey, and they would attack me with an electric razor then get me to .. ‘stand up and jump up and down love, to make the hairs fall down’ .. might I say how very gracefull and moving this must have all been for my dear husband who was sitting beside me. I’m sure I heard him giggle. We won’t even talk about when they came in to do the catheter. I asked Gregg to leave the room .. he didn’t. I asked him to stop giggling. He didn’t. I INSISTED he stop giggling and asked him if he would like to have his penis removed. He stopped giggling. briefly.

Some of you may know, the hospital i attended was indeed Dr Deaths hospital, Bundaberg Base. Needless to say i was somewhat nervous. I had said to Gregg that if anything were to happen to me, i needed him to have the immediate 'skin to skin' contact with Sommer, and .. that there was a frozen pizza in the freezer for dinner! .. i was quite surprised, and relieved, when they didn't kill me. Actually, all in all, they were great. I really can't fault them.

Fathers day. I had a little altercation with my gas stove ..

You know those warnings on the spray oil .. "do not use near open flames" .. well, turns out that little warning ISN'T bullshit?!?! HUH?!?!?! .. thankfully it all healed up well, there's no scars and no permanent damage. I was really quite lucky. When it happened, Heath was the only one inside and the poor little man got the fright of his life. It all happened so very quickly that i didn't even realise what had happened until i seen the look on his face. I spent about 5 minutes assuring Heath that i was fine, everything would be okay, and inside I'm thinking .. "i really need to go splash some water on my face" .. once Gregg and i returned from the hospital and Heath was assured that i really was fine, he was .. well, there is no other way to say it .. he was HELLA excited .. "Can i tell all my friends?" .. "I'm going to call you FIREMUMMA" .. "I can't believe you didn't die!! NOBODY survives that kinda fire. Are you even real?" .. the kid wanted to take me in for show and tell!!!! For christs sakes .. yes son, i would LOVE to parade around your room looking like a mongo who's had a bodgy botox in Malaysia .. yeah, maybe next time!!

Mumma brain - check!! .. i rang Gregg the other day .. "the television isn't working" .. Roxiee and i had planned on watching a movie after lunch and having a nap, this was totally uncool!! Gregg got home about 4pm and the first thing he noticed was the television was on and working .. "the television is working?!" .. "yes" i replied .. "I fixed it!" .. "How did you fix it?" .. "oh, well .. i plugged it back in!" .. "you're a dickhead!" .. he has a way with words my husband! .. though, he probably said the same about me when i text him as i was SURE i was going into labour .. "Gregg, i think there is a foot hanging out of my vagina?" .. he text back .. "I'm busy, push it back up!" .. and, when i uttered the words .. "don't make me wipe some plug on you" .. I'm pretty sure i seen him gag. Some people call us gross, i call it 'love' .. really!!

Driving back from the beach last week we, as a family, learnt a very valuable lesson .. "Wise man say, don't read out graffiti when little ears are listening" .. this came to our attention when Roxiee's latest saying became .. "LICK MY  BALLS" .. dear child, you are 4 years old, you are a girl, your health records say you have no balls.

So, i came, i blogged and now i need to go cook some dinner and get some cleaning done. When things calm down i will be back more, but for now, i will leave you with a professional photo of my gorgeous family. This pic, and over 360 others were all taken by a very talented friend of mine, Briana Corry from Sweet B. Photography. I am  in the the process of getting some of these prints made up into canvas, once that is done i will blog some photos and plug the shizz out of my friends photography as the memories she has created for us is purely priceless!! Can't wait to cover my walls in canvas. Bye for now.



http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150988120731510.412822.694056509&type=3#!/SweetB.Photography



Naww-ish kinda neat idea

As the title suggests, there's nothing exciting or humorous in this blog, it's a super quick post about a neat idea which Roxiee's teachers gave me. It's a way of talking to your children, about what to expect when the new baby arrives. Of course i had already had several discussions with both children about how Mummy always has enough love, hugs, kisses and cuddles for everyone but this idea was full of way too much awesomeness to not share with other fellow Mummies who are expecting baby number 2, 3, 4 or whatever crazy number you are currently at!! ..

So here it is .. a crafty tutorial from moi!! .. I'll even include photos!! You're welcome!

First you need a candle for each member of your family, including the baby on the way, and if you're like my friend Jeanette, who i know will read this, and you are a crazy cat lady, then you would probably include a candle for each animal you have .. (that IS fucking weird though, just saying!) ..

Cut the candles to size, in my case, of course i made Greggs candle a muscular sexual godess with the body of an athlete. My candle was a swollen, hairy watermelon with 4 swollen limbs sticking out and the 3 children were naturally the best damned looking candles that you ever did see in your life. For those of you without an imagination i have taken the liberty of posting a photo below of said candles. And for those of you who can't see my inspiration in these candles .. well .. your imagination sucks, it's totally obvious where i was heading when i created these little pieces of art.

See .. exactly how i described them.

Next step is to gather your family and let them know that Mummy is feeling sentimental and hormonal and will be subjecting them to a few minutes of blagh blagh stuffs .. my family happily oblidged as they knew if they wanted the television switched back on it would be done a hell of a lot quicker if they just let me have my speel and be over with it ..

So you explain to the kids that "sometimes children feel worried about a new baby" etc etc .. show the children their candles, or, if you are better organised than me your children would have decorated their own candles (or for those of you playing along at home who have cats, they can decorate their own candles too .. you fucking psycho) .. so, you  light the Mummy candle and explain that it used to just be Mummy all on her own one day, and she had a heart full of love and nobody to share it with .. then Mummy met Daddy .. (.. at the Cranny racetrack, both completely shitfaced and near to passing out, Daddy tried to get into Mummys knickers but she played hard to get .. oh, hang on, awkward .. i guess you could skip the details!) .. So, back to the tutorial, Mummy met Daddy and she gave ALLLLL of her love to Daddy (light daddys candle using mummys candle), but she still had a heart FULL of more love to give!! .. then Mummy and Daddy made Heath, and Mummy gave ALL of her love to Heath .. yet Daddy still had ALLLLL of her love too, and she STILL had a heart FULL of more love to give .. and then along came Roxiee, and again Mummy gave ALLLLLL of her love to Roxiee, while Heath still had ALLLLLL of her love, and Daddy still had ALLLLLL of her love, AND .. she still had a heart FULL of more love to give .. and so on and so forth untill you introduce the babys candle and give the baby ALLLLL of your love too ..  each time Mummy gives her love to someone she uses her candle to light their candle.

Now .. this all worked pretty well, the kids were super excited that we were playing with some fire, and Heath was apparantly a little dissapointed that we didn't burn the kitchen down. Of course though, as with all things, it wouldn't be 'normal' in my family or my household if things didn't end a little 'left of centre' .. instead of having the big gushy family cuddle kinda moment at the end, it ended in tears because Heath insisted that i must have loved him MORE than anyone else because the flame on his candle was bigger, which of course made Roxiee cry because she wanted to be loved the same, and of course, at the precise moment where Roxiee started getting a little emotional about Heath's words, a gust of wind came in through the kitchen window and knocked her candle over, blowing her flame out .. "MY CANDLE DIED!!!" .. and off she ran in a 4 year old style tanty ..

All in all it was sucessfull and after much more explaining i think the kids finally got it .. Mummy's always have enough love, no matter what. Cute hey?

Milestone Day.





So today marked another milestone. Probably one which most parents don't really think twice about, but it was a big deal to me. Heath has been asking for the longest time to catch the bus to school. Bear in mind that he only started school late August last year, so although he's in grade 1, he's been at school for not nearly as long as all the other grade 1's. AND .. okay I'll admit, being my 'first' i probably mollycoddle him too much and was holding him back for my own selfish reasons ..

When he first started asking i simply told him he was too young .. his reply .. "Well, Marshall is 6 and he catches it!" .. "well, you're not 6, Heath!!" .. "but i will be soon, and then i can catch the bus, right?" .. "yeah yeah .. sure. Whatever" .. i probably should have thought about how soon he was turning 6, but i didn't .. so as May was approaching and he was about to turn 6 years old, he was asking again .. "I'll be 6 soon, and then I'll catch the bus won't i, Mum?" .. "we'll see" .. "But mum, you said .. " .. "I know, i know .. but we need to make sure the bus comes near our house!!" .. "It does, Riley said it does, and Dad said he's seen it too" .. "Ohhhh, THAT bus .. well, that's a different bus that goes to a different school Heath. That's not a bus that YOU can catch I'm afraid. It doesn't go to your school!!" .. for the time being this stopped him from asking ..  i hadn't ruled it out in my head, i just didn't want to promise him that he would catch it as soon as he turned 6, i wasn't sure if he was ready, and i wasn't sure if i was ready!! .. Up until now i drove him in every morning and went with him to the library and waited while he read his magic words with his teacher, then made sure he had everything he needed for the day and said goodbye ..

 .. Right as i was running out of little 'untruths' to delay the whole bus thing, it just so happened that we were leaving our house the same time as the bus was pulling away from the stop which is 2 houses from ours, collecting a small group of children, some of whom Heath knows, and all in the Branyan uniform ..

"MUM, they all go to my school!! They're on the wrong bus!!!" ..

And of course, as we continued the drive to school, there was nowhere to overtake the bus so we had no choice but to sit behind it for the entire journey .. all the while with Heath commentating .. "what's gunna happen Mum, when the bus takes them all to the wrong school?" .. "MUM, MUM .. I'm worried for my friends who are all on the wrong bus .. can't you make the bus pull over?" .. at this stage I'm clinging to something from above to save me .. dear deceased relatives, you should have helped me out here, couldn't you see how desperate i was?!?! .. all i had was the radio .. quick Sharon, turn it up louder .. "Heyyyyy, we love this song kids, let's dance!!" .. too late .. the bus is at the intersection, if it turns right, it's going to the 'wrong school' .. if it turns left, well then I'm doomed. Of course, it turns left .. of course, it indicates into Heaths school .. of course, we sit in the car as all the kids start getting off the bus and Heath excitedly screams .. "hey, there's Marshall, and Riley, and Sarah .. and Emily!! .. AND .. all the kids who were waiting near our house... MUM!!!" ..

.. so .. like .. stupid radio for not playing a better song! 'sexy and i know it' would totally have distracted Heath but Mariah Carey just didn't cut it. Shit.

There was no more stalling to be had, it was time to let him grow up and do the independent thing. So up went a sticker chart, he had to show for 2 weeks that he was able to take responsibility of his school things, which meant carrying his own bag .. packing his own bag at home time and making sure he had collected everything, and last but not least, he had to also show for the 2 weeks that he could eat breakfast, brush teeth, be showered, dressed and ready by 7.50am .. all of which he did. (one minor hiccup where he misbehaved and had to prove himself for an extra week) .. so today, he caught the bus for the first time. And, like any psychopath Mother, i took a million photos. Yes, yes i did. I'm not even joking! And that's not even the worst of it, my friends!



waiting patiently ..




Getting onto the bus ..

Now .. it's important to note that what happened next was completely planned, i had thought it through in my head and decided that it was completely okay to do on the very first bus day .. so as he was the last to get on the bus and i called out goodbye, i turned to the 2 other Mum's who had just seen their kids off, and decided there was no time to say goodbye, Roxiee and i now had a mission to complete .. we had to get our Forrest Gump on and run like spastics and then ..

 

.. we had to "follow that bus" .. Roxiee was chanting in the back seat .. "Quick Mum, it's getting away" .. "FOLLOW THAT BUS!" .. as we drove past the 2 mums who had just put their kids onto the bus and were now standing having a chat, they both had their backs to the road and  i was saying in my head .. "Don't turn around .. don't look at me desperately following that bus .. SHIT .. they're waving to me!" .. DOH! .. hopefully they were waving and saying .. "Nawww, remember when we did that?" .. but i know it's more likely that they were waving and saying .. "WHAT THE FUCK?"



Never fear my dear .. Mumma will put the Padge into superdrive and catch that bus ..





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.. just wanted to check that he got off the bus  .. at the right school .. with his bag ..
though .. now that I'm HERE .. surely i could just run up and get one quick close up photo without him knowing .. surely .. ?  .. OH YES SHE DID PEOPLE .. OH YES SHE DID!!

.. Quick .. quick .. take the photo and run you crazy paparazzi freak ..

.. DOH!

"... MUM .. what are you doing here?!?" ..

"Oh .. i was just .. going to the shops and remembered i needed to hand something in at the office .."
"well .. you should have given it to me!" ..

"I know .. I'm so silly!! .. never mind, did you like the bus?"

"Yeah, it was awesome!"
"do you want me to come library with you?"
"Nah .. I'll do it on my own"
"Okay, you're a big boy now .. love ya, have a good day"
"You too .. bye Mum"

And there it is .. i won't follow the bus again .. i won't go all paparazzi again .. i know it's time to let him grow up and do what all his friends are doing .. so every Wednesday morning i will walk him to the bus stop and let him ride in with his friends .. but, i'm also going to hold onto the few last 'untruths' that i have .. "the bus is full up on the other days so you can only catch it on a Wednesday for now I'm afraid" ..

And, it sure as hell doesn't have room for you to catch it home. Not for a good few months. If ever.





Dear Heath

Dear Heath,

Today, you turned 6 years old. It feels like yesterday that we set eyes on you for the very first time when you were born as a rocker dude with an attitude and a mowhawk.

Okay, so maybe you weren't BORN with the mowhawk, but it sure as heck suited you as soon as they cleaned all the unspeakable gunk off your head and body and we ran our fingers through your cleaned up hair for the first time. I remember when your Daddy held you up for me to see and i said "OH MY GOD, IT'S A MONSTER!!" .. i was refering to your size, you were a big ole' boy and i was greatfull that your entrance was via my tummy!

 When you were one day old, i put your fancy overalls on you with your button up shirt. The mowhawk was spiked and you were the handsomest little dude that ever entered this world.

At 5 days old we got to come home and start our new life together as a family, including the 8 puppies!

Your first Christmas was an occasion for a tuxedo! .. (please don't hate me when you're older!)

I love how passionate you are about things. Whatever you do, you do it 100%, whether it's working hard at learning a new skill or throwing your whole body into a tanty .. i think this is a lovely trait and it shows that you are persistant and determined.

I love how you always have a cheeky smile and eyes which say you are about to cause mischief any minute now. I love how you let me dress you in shirts which i think are a good idea at the time, but in hindsight perhaps they make you look a little .. well .. whatever, right now they're cute.

I love what a caring big brother you are. If Roxiee was ever at danger of falling or hurting herself, more often than not you were always there to catch her, even if i moved as fast as i could to get there too, you would always be there first.

I love your cheeky nature and the simple way you see life as so fun. We should all take a page from your book.

I love how when we moved to Bundaberg and had to throw you in the deep end by starting school full time, you chose to swim and not drown. You picked up books and learnt to read. You picked up pencils and learnt to write. You picked up confidence, independence and social skills. You looked at the other kids and started making friends. You looked at the not-so-nice kids and told them to take a hike. You came home and you continued picking up books, picking up pencils and asking questions. You were determined to catch up to all the other kids who had 8 months of schooling up their sleeves and your determination did indeed see you catch up AND pass some of those very kids.

I love how you are always surrounded by friends. I love that you will often think of these friends and ways to help them or make them happy. I love how much you love to give.

I love how you are one of, if not my very best friend. If i'm feeling down all i need is a little Heathy-Hug to make things better. If i'm super tired and it's all getting a bit much, all i need is to hear one of your many jokes. If ever i'm being dramatic and forgetting to see the fun, you bring me back by telling me about your latest adventure. I love how i can ..  "love you more than all the elephants poos, in all the elephants bums, in all the elephants in all the zoo's in the world" .. and you totally get it.

I love how each and every day you make us smile, and make us laugh, and make us proud beyond words. You are a beautiful, caring, giving, compassionate little soul who has so much to offer the world and we are so thankful to have been given such a special little man.

Sometimes you make us pull our hair out and yell and scream, but mostly you make us love you with all our hearts.

Dear Heath, happy birthday. I love you more than all the poos in all the elephants butts, in all the elephants in all the zoo's in the world, and THAT'S a lot of poo's!