The ramblings of Sharon: I never said i wasn't wierd ..

It occured to me lastnight during a dinner conversation with the kids, just how wierd this little family unit is.

Although, to be completely honest it DOES occur to me several times a day, and quite often people will point it out to me anyways, just incase i had forgotten.

But anyways, back to lastnight .. I had already given the kids their dinner, and as i lifted mine out of the microwave it was hot to touch so i wrapped a tea towel around it and carried it over to the table. The conversation went a little something like this ..

Heath : *Sooky, whiny, teenage girls voice* "Awwwww, why do YOU get a towel and WE don't?" *insert highly dramatic frowny face*
Me : "I have a vagina too, you want one of those?"

Heath : " .... whats a vagina?"
Me : *shit, what did i say THAT for?* .. "Its a front bum. Eat your dinner!"

Notice that Roxiee had not taken any part in this conversation .. up untill now where i explained what a vagina was .. and then she pipes up with .. "me, ME! I want a Joiner! Pleassssse" ..

So yes, we aren't your average Brady bunch. We do some things like the brady bunch, i mean .. we try and sit to eat meals together, and we have our 'family days' .. but we don't have your regular Brady bunch conversations.

Now, i had a rough idea of some of the things i was going to mention in this blog about wierdness, but i didn't really have a definate story that i wanted to mention about Gregg, and i don't know how 'wierd' this classifies as .. but this is what just happened half way through the first section of my blog ..

*Hopping inside, literally HOPPING* .. "Sharon, somethings bitten me or gotten stuck in my foot, HELP" .. and with this little outburts, he hops his way over to the couch saying he is in immense pain. He throws himself down onto the couch with his right leg up in the air, foot pointing towards me so i can investigate .. which after much hesitation, i do .. i investigate his foot, i look past the mouldy cheese and the toe jam, and i find a splinter .. a splinter which has caused a grown man to hop about like a lunatic, and complain of immense pain! .. so i have a quick pick at it with tweezers and manage to accomplish nothing at all, and suprisingly, i don't even get joy from inflicting pain to him, now THATS wierd!! .. so, as im blogging, he is currently sitting on the couch trying to dislodge his huge splinter. He may, or may not have uttered the words .. "Sharon HELP me, if i can't get it out i wont be working!!!" .. he may, or may not have uttered these words in a panicked way. Now, im not taking the piss, i mean .. splinters are scary little fuckers, i mean .. it WAS half a plank of wood stuck in his foot .. it WAS life and death for a bit there .. it WAS touch and go, but as i type now, he is out of the woods, we worked together and removed the chunk of wood from his tender little footsies and he is currently moisturising. Crisis averted .. thank fuck for that. So .. moving right along and back to the wierdness of this family unit ..

Heath bought up a touchy subject today .. "Mum, why did my willy go big and purple" .. Me : "Is it hard and purple now?" .. Heath : "Nah, it was hard and purple just before" .. Me : "Hmm .. well were you playing with it?" .. Heath : "Nah, not really. No, i wasn't actually" .. Me : "Well .. i guess you could go and ask Daddy because he has a willy and knows all about them" .. and off he goes, outside to talk to his Daddy. I watch them out the window .. Greggs shovelling dirt, and he suddenly stops .. i can't hear whats being said but it looks serious .. then Heath comes running back up to me .. "Mummmmmm, whats an erection?" .. Me : *jesus christ, it's not even 7am yet, seriously!!* .. i tell him that an erection is when your willy gets excited .. he wanted to know why willys get excited .. i wanted him to shut the fuck up about willys and erections! I wanted Gregg to stop giggling about it all while he shovelled .. and more than anything, i wanted Roxiee to stop repeating all the core words .. Roxiee : "Willy .. erection? .. HAAA .. THATS funny isn't it!?!" .. not really Roxiee, not really!!!

Roxiee's got this thing where she knows she will be something when she grows up and im all for being ambitious, but .. well she's just a little confused with what she can and cant be .. most girls might say they wish to be a ballerina? Or a vet? Or even a fireman .. not Roxiee .. she's very random and will burst out with her future wishes at any time .. Roxiee : "when i grow up, i want to be a willy" .. or .. "When i turn into a doggy, i will get to sleep outside!" .. or .. "One day, when im a boy, i will eat worms" .. i dont know what happens, i guess i just breed my kids this way ..

Heath on the other hand, he has this thing for collection pamplets, if anyone doesn't know what to get the kid for Christmas, i suggest you either spend $150 on the latest leggo star wars set, or get him a few Dominos Pizza menus. Everywhere we go, he wants the pamphlets .. he NEEDS the pamplets!! .. he has gone to the extreme of 'stealing' the pamphlets .. i say he can't have them and i carry on walking then through the corner of my eye i see him stuffing his pockets full of these pamplets. Pamplets, business cards .. he's all over that shit like a Nun to a dildo. The thing is, he knows he cant steal from a shop, he knows he cant steal a friends toy .. and he wouldn't dream of doing either of those things, but when it comes to pamplets and business cards he just cant control himself .. it's an absolute obsession. It's hilarious and i love it. We walk into a childcare centre and they always have that little 'parent info' area where theres loads of business cards etc, well .. Heath is in HEAVEN here, he can't believe his eyes .. I could leave him there for a day and know that no harm would come of him, i know he wouldn't move a muscle, he's too busy salivatating (is that a word?) ..
Recently, we got 2 puppy dogs .. they are part of our family. They wear blue zinc on their noses, and they wear sunhats. True story. Actually .. im in the process of toilet training them .. the way i have trained all my other dogs has worked so i figured it would work again this time .. every so often i take the puppies outside onto the grass and i say 'toilet' .. when i see them peeing i say "Good boy, toilet!!" .. so lastnight i called out to the puppies, "C'mon, lets go toilet" .. immediately Cougar hears the word toilet, he squats (he doesnt know hes a boy) and he pisses all over my floor .. my bad i guess, i DID say go toilet and i didn't specify where ..

Also, while on the subject of the dogs .. i wrote it as a facebook status the other day asking if this was wierd .. i count the pats, i count the pats on one dog so i know to pat the other dog as much. I really didn't need an opinion on that one, im totally aware that thats wierd!! But, i feel like i should express i dont do that EVERY time .. im not completely OCD, just occasionaly.

Heath and i have a bed time ritual .. we do a book and all the other 'Normalish' stuff, then we have a 'love-off' .. we talk about who loves each other more .. now i know that in regular families they probably say things like .. "I love you to the moon and back" etc etc .. well, thats not our thing!! .. we compare our love in measurements of poop, coz thats how we roll.

Me : "I love you more than all the poops, in all the elephants butts, in all the zoos, in the world!!"
Heath : "Shit, thats a lotta poop Mum!"
Me : "Heath, don't say shit, say poop"
Heath : "I love you more than all the poop in Daddys butt .. and Daddys butt sure does stink. Mum, i went to the toilet after Daddy the other day, do you think we should get him another toilet, for outside?" ..

.. Heaths recently started prep and is completely soaking up everything, EVERYTHING! The kid doesn't stop working, learning and doing experiments. He comes home from school, he reads his book and he sits at his desk writting, and reading, and writting .. he gets books from the book shelf and copies the words .. he just DOESNT stop. It got to the point where he wouldn't come outside, he wouldn't do anything other than work .. it wasn't healthy. So i sat him down and we had a big chat ..

Me : "now, i know you love school, and you are getting SO clever .. "

Heath : "I am getting clever. Let me show you how i read. And write. Mum, lets do writting!!"

Me : "No! I need you to listen .. you need to slow down! If you want to get even more clever, you need to do other things like come outside and play .. you need to also have fun, and balance things. You need to balance work and play and have a healthy ...*even i dont know what i said here* .. "

Heath : "Mum, what?"

Me : "Okay, listen here. You need to stop doing work sometimes or your brain will explode. It will get so big that it will explode and fall out your butt!"

Heath : "Whoaaaaaa shit!!"

.. meanwhile, next day at school .. after a quick chat with Heaths teacher she tries to help me out and have a word with Heath ..

Mrs Farley : "Heath, make sure you still do other things, like play outside, all that fun stuff"
Heath : "yeah yeah, or my brain will fall out my butt, i knowwwwww"

So all in all, im totally aware that not only am i wierd, but my whole little family are just as wierd .. and thats just the way i love them.