Auntie Aimz

Ok .. so you know how people sometimes say shit like 'dont bother reading this blagh blagh blagh' and then you automatically make a point of reading it .. well, seriously .. don't bother. This is for the worlds bestest Auntie who i have a somewhat crazy agreement with .. she knows that if anything were to happen to me, she is to be the new mummy, so i make a point of telling her new things that may be of importance .. like, you know .. if i change the medicine cupboard!! .. thats important, because if i were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, and one of the kids needed panadol .. well, the new Mummy would need to know where to find it!! .. so, really .. when i say "dont bother reading this" .. i really do mean it .. there's nothing interesting hidden in here, it's simply a new 'mummy lease agreement' for a Miss Amy Aimz Kennett.

So Amy, here goes nothing .. you asked for your own blog & here it is. As you know, stuffs changed since we moved to Bundy. You used to know where everything was in the last house, but now you don't even know where the house is. So .. first things first, get on a fucking plane and visit us, just saying! .. Avoca, Bundaberg .. and for the love of Jesus, please practice pronouncing Avoca .. it is not 'av-aka' .. it is 'av-O-ka' .. if all else fails, just pretend you are deaf and have the address written on a card so you can refrain from having to mess up the pronounciation and pissing off a wild native local.

Next - upon arrival, please refrain from being a complete pussy and fainting at the site of a brown, warty, cane toad .. these things are everywhere, and  im like .. totally cool with them. I let them climb all over me, we are tight .. besties. Me and the frogs are like .. meant to be .. like soul sisters and stuff. You mess with my frogs, and you mess with me! .. ha, just shitting you .. we kill the shit out of the toads now .. you'll be right! Heath will even teach you how he kills them if you like .. but we'll get to that later!!

Okay, so .. routine wise .. well Heath has school every day!! He has his routine chart on his wall, Mondays is boxing, he will box with Gregg in the garage after school.
Tuesdays is school banking day, you fill in his book, give him some cashies and send him on his merry way. Wednesdays is show and tell, i stay and watch his show and tell so i can take his things home. Wednesdays is also 'Happy room day' .. i go to the school at about 12.40, pick up the keys from the office and go set up the room, the kids come in and i hang out with them for the lunch break .. i also use this opportunity to chat quietly with Heath and ask if anyone has upset him, if they have i hunt them down and have words with them. True story!

After school Wednesday i give the kids a snack, we have a chillax and we normally head to the pools so they can have a play before their 5pm swimming lesson. The swimming lesson is fairly basic, probably the main thing to remember here is to try and not make eye contact with Roxiee during the lesson or she stops whatever she is doing, forgets she is meant to be swimming and she screams out as loud as she can .. "HI MUMMMMMMMY" .. then she goes under the water as she forgot to swim .. amusing to watch? Yes .. but you know .. probably not good for her in the long run! Now .. Heaths swim teacher, try also to not make eye contact with her as i think she is a horny lesbian .. but whatever, i mean .. if your at the lessons being the surrogate Mum it's because im dead so .. you know, whatever. Im not racist to lesbians, even when im dead ..

Thursdays is library day, he needs his library bag in his school bag. Friday is parade day, i stay and watch the school assembly. It's pretty funny .. oh, and when they sing 'advance australia fair' .. apparantly you have to stand up, as in YOU have to stand up .. i didn't know this!! But, thanks to the woulderbeast mother who is obviously a school assembly veteran, i now know .. but anywhos, i stay for the assembly so i can watch Heath get awards, which he should get every fucking week for his awesomeness! .. Now, as much as i love his teacher, and i do LOVE his teacher, i still make a point of giving her a death stare when she chooses a child other than Heath to receive an award .. it would be greatly appreciated if you could keep this up. I also mutter "ah for fucks sakes" under my breath as the other childs name is called out, not sure how effective this is but it makes me feel better.

Friday is then shopping day .. and cleaning day, as it's the day where Roxiee should be in kinder when the vacancy comes up. Friday afternoon is also Heaths boxing day, he will go with Gregg about 4.40is untill around 7pm.

Everynight Heath has to do his reading book, he's getting GREAT at it .. he's so amazing clever, but we already knew that. He also likes to teach Roxiee everything he has learnt and will often ask for different instruments to perform his experiments .. it's pretty cute. Today he was teaching me all about evaporation .. apparantly the clouds soak up all the water from our grass, and sends it back down as rain .. i asked him if the clouds also soaked up all the puppies wee from our grass .. then he didn't want to talk anymore.  Ha!

Heath has a sticker chart on the fridge, he loves doing his 'chores' and it's how he gets his money for the market on Sunday.

Now .. for Roxiee!! .. hmm. Well, im thinking a boarding kennell may be in order, but if you feel this is too harsh then you can keep her .. i mean, whatever, im dead already!! .. so, as you know she doesnt do preschool anymore, but when the good kinder gets a vacancy she will be going 2 days a week. And these will be the 2 days where i will be working with Gregg if we go ahead with the cleaning business, now .. as you ARE stepping in, you probably SHOULD go work with him ..  this is fun!! You see, Gregg likes to think he is the boss at work, so i like to really piss him off and annoy him as much as i can .. im sure you can think of ways to do this, and lets face it, he's fairly easy to piss off!

So Roxiee doesnt have too much of a routine at the minute as she's just finished up at preschool and things are all changing again, but she does read Heaths reader after him every night, and i try do some 'home school' type things with her every day, like counting, colours, letters etc .. she loves it. I also get her to help with some chores like putting her clothes away, helping me hoover etc. And she loves it. She also loves being a pain in the arse! I do try and make a big fuss over her during the day while Heaths at school as a lot of the focus is on Heath at the moment.

The puppies - hahahaha. Step one - get over your fear of dogs, that would be helpful!! They really are quite adorable, you may grow to love them!! Im up at 5 and i go straight out to them while everyones still asleep, we play, i change their water, pick up their poops, feed them and then walk them. Their food is all in the freezer, raw pet mince/rice/veg/pasta etc. And an egg once a week. And chicken necks. Meh .. i'll teach gregg what to do with the dogs!! .. Roxiee has to be supervised with them all the time though, as she is being very spitelful to them when she thinks im not looking!! They ARE very tolerant but i dont let her go outside without me anymore. The puppies get walked again about 6pm when it's cooled down. I bring them inside as much as i can .. but they are still learning to not pee inside, so i can only bring them in at the moment when i can watch them 100% and make sure they aren't peeing everywhere. When they are better toilet trained we would like them to come in lots :-)

Bedtime - it's 7pm these days as the heat/school week is wrecking everyone. Roxiee goes first and chooses a book, after the book she STILL has 'the funny thing' .. I'm sure you've had to do 'the funny thing' before? Where you have to make her teddies talk to each other about poop and other gross things to make Roxiee laugh. I forgot to do 'the funny thing' one night last week and i kid you not, at 2am Roxiee was beside my bed .. "Mummy, you didnt do the funny thing!" .. so, i don't forget anymore. On the odd occasion that Gregg puts her to bed i still go in and do 'the funny thing' as apparantly he doesn't do it right! .. she sleeps with her nightlight on and about 537,388 toys in her bed. Heath doesn't usually want a book anymore, so we just have a chat about his day in bed, then say goodnight. He doesnt want a light anymore as he's all grown up!!

First thing in the morning the kids usually come straight outside to me and the dogs, we all have a play and the kids help me feed them etc. Heath REALLY wants to start picking up the dog poop and now that im dead, let him go for it! haha.

Hmm .. im not sure what else i need to tell you? .. you know the obvious things, you know to love the shit out of my kids because they are the most amazingly, beautiful little beings ever. You know all that.

Oh .. Heaths got this thing .. when i say goodnight i have to tell him how much i love him and it has to be in comparison to poop .. like, "i love you more than all the poops in all the elephants bums in the world!!" .. then he tries to top it with .. "i love you bigger than your head!!!!" .. charming really. The cracker is that no matter what he says you have to laugh hysterically .. if you do not laugh you will spend the next hour consoling a very tired, emotionally drained school boy who is now gutted that he doesnt have comedian abilities. So laugh .. laugh like you've never laughed before!
Hmm .. i really can't think of anything else at this stage .. i know there has to be more .. but right now im all out of things .. perhaps part II will have to be continued ..

Oh, Molly the magpie - she comes by either the back or front door morning and night looking for some bread!! ..