The reveal ..

Sooooo .. i talked this blog up. I told everyone it was coming, i captured my audience and now im ready to reveal our most amazing, fanfuckingtabulous, secret milestone. It's something which marks our whole 'bergian' experience as 'permenent' .. this is no holiday, we are here to stay now and there's no turning back. It was an unspoken thing i had going on in my head .. i hadn't said it aloud, but i had put this 'something' off untill i was sure that we wanted to stay and that becoming 'bergians' was the right thing for our family.

No, we aren't having another baby!! .. it's really not all that exciting to the average person. There was many other people doing the same thing today and i didn't notice them taking photo's of it and making a big deal. Although, one junkie was doing the same thing as me and he did show some excitement as he walked past me and waved his ticket at me while salivating, grunting and skipping. HE was excited. Though his reasons were probably different, he was probably going to do his 'something' and then go score another deal. I resisted the urge to have my photo taken with him.

Sooooooo .. if you haven't already scrolled down to see my marvelous pictures .. go ahead .. they can tell the rest of my story ..



out with the old ..




over with the cash ..




in with the new ..




Screw it baby ..



Next step : pose like fucktards on roadside .. yeah baby. Im at the bundy shore, bitches!



Thats my girl!




Following Gregg home




Home sweet home .. in Bundy, with our Bundy plates. The only thing missing is a drink of Bundy instead of Jimmy, but fuck that shit tastes off!

So yes .. im well aware that people are now reading this and thinking i have wasted your time, but to me this was a big deal. It was another step in becoming bergians. Blog over. There is another Jimmy to be drank in celebration, to celebrate the new car rego's and the fact that we have made this massive move for all the right reasons and even when im having a bad day and missing people and things back in Melb, all i have to do is remind myself that we did this to have a better life for the kids .. and we are well on our way to creating that.

P.S - not sure if it was a sign when on our way to get the new regos we had to pull over and be witnesses/offer assistance to our first bundaberg crash .. an elderly lady ran right up the back of a stationary car waiting to turn right.

Me to old lady : "Didnt you see her vehicle indicating to turn right?"
Little old lady : "Oh no love, i didn't even see the car!!" .. hmm, right about now im making a pact to not actually become a 'bergian driver' ..

I'm turning into a Bergian ..

I know i am, i know it's true .. I'm turning into a Bergian, are you? .. catchy little tune, don't thank me now but you'll be singing it later. Your welcome.

Anywhos .. it really is happening, i really AM turning into a bergian. There are a few tell tale signs, and if you are a born and breed bergian, i strongly suggest you stop reading now so i don't cause offence to you. In the chance that you DO continue reading, please know that it's a bit of lighthearted shits n' giggles so please .. please dont come kill me with your 2011agricat 50hp ultra tractor.

If i GENUINELY hated Bundy and the bergains i would be on my merry way so don't go getting your mullet in a twist. In all honesty i think i'v only met a small handfull of born and bred bergians, the majority of the people i have met are completely normal (ish!) .. even the born and bred bergians arent TOO bad, i mean .. the Mum at school that grunted at me when i said hello, maybe she comes from the wild? Maybe she's a coyote in a woman(ish) kind of body? I don't know her story so i won't be harsh .. im all for bergians, i mean .. ratstails and mullets USED to be cool, maybe the Bergians are onto something and they are coming back in style again? And im sure it has it's good points having a Mum who is also your Auntie .. I'm not one to pass judgements, after all this whole blog is about the fact that i am turning into a bergian .. (in some ways .. i mean, im not about to go get a mullet and start incesting all over a self harvesting tractor in a field! .. just saying)

So .. one of my newly adopted bergian traits? .. Im a hell of a lot more relaxed. When i first got here i was overtaking everyone in the shops and people stared .. i was in SUCH a rush. But now .. now i have slowed right down, sometimes a little old lady with a zimmer frame even overtakes me. Im such a bergian now that i feel like shouting out to her .. "Hey, slow the fuck down. Your on your death bed woman, shit!" .. but i don't. I just save it as a mental note in my head and blog about it later. Im not as anal (ha, i said ANAL, ha!) about having a clean house, i totally leave dirty dishes on the bench and nobody dies!! .. because this is the bergian way ..

Another point - bergians hate travelling. Bergians complain about having to drive 15-20 minutes into 'town' .. they 'travel' from Avoca/Branyan to Bargara and they 'holiday' there .. i kid you fucking not!!! SO many people do this!! They make a 20 minute drive for a holiday!!!! Fuck me drunk & bury me pregnant! Let me explain the photo im about to post .. so im driving out of the main shopping centre and directly accross the road is a few paddocks/empty fields which back onto a major school .. what do i see? People incesting on a tractor? No, close .. but no. I see campers!! People are camping there!!!!! There tent is pitched, the guy is standing just outside his tent having a stretch and the woman is sitting down and it looks as though she is preparing some food .. seriously, what.the.fuck? .. i dont know about you but i love camping .. i love finding somewhere that is 'the middle of nowhere' and relaxing knowing that we have our own little piece of nature with nobody else about ..



not a great photo i know .. but you get the jist!

.. the point to the travelling thing, and it's relevance to me is that i found myself noticing how 'far' i had travelled the other day and i thought to myself  'wow, this really is far out' .. and that was a major milestone in my 'bergian revelation' .. i had driven about 18 minutes to visit a friend and her newborn baby. It felt like i was driving for hours!! .. so, there you have it, im turning into a bergian!

I also found myself saying .. "Sheesh, it's a bit chilly today" .. i was totally lying, i had sweat pouring off me and my underpants were stuck in my butt crack with dried sweat, but i really wanted to talk like a bergian and sound more 'regular' so i gave it a shot .. it was an epic failure when the friend i had just said it to replied with a 'shut up you wanker' .. whatever. Dont make me go get a mullet to prove my bergian-ese you asshole.

So there you have it .. im on my way to being a bergian. There are however a few things i need to work on to gain FULL bergian residence .. and im not talking about the crazy hairdos, sexual relations or farming equiptment. Im talking about the wierd ass creepy crawlies .. i don't think im doing a great job at living in harmony with them .. we all know im not too happy with 'Geckos' as per my 'skinks, did i mention skinks' blog a few weeks back! (if you haven't already read that one i suggest you do!) .. we have had several more geckos in the house and i certainly haven't gotten any better at living with them. At this stage i still insist that Gregg catch them and remove them. I don't however insist that he kills them as i do with spiders, so THATS a plus .. with spiders i need to see them squished, with the geckos i don't want them dead, i just want them out of my house. Off my ceiling where they are just staring at me and waiting for me to walk under them so they can pounce on my head and attack my brains. Off the wall where they're doing their little sideways walk/run thing .. i hate them, SO bad! One got in the other day and i had Gregg chasing it about while i stood on the far couch filming with my iphone .. it eventually ran into the couch opposite me and hid down the back .. cheeky little fucker kept poking it's head out as if it was playing a 'cute' game of peek-a-boo .. 2 things my ugly friend, a) - your NOT cute, b) - your about to be dead if you don't get the fuck out of my couch. Gregg caught it in the end and it was taken outside.

2 nights ago we seen a cockroach in the kitchen, it was behind the microwave and was just too fast, Gregg couldn't find where it had gone and we had to give up. (i say we, but i really wasn't much help from my usual 'safe' place which is standing on the far couch, squeeling like a little girl) .. then of course, when does this cockroach choose to show it's face again? While im washing dishes! Alone! No Gregg to come save me! It sat on my kitchen blind, right in front of me. It's obviously deaf because if it could hear, it would have heard my scream and ran. But it didn't it just continued sitting there mocking me as i did some poo particles in my pants.

There was no way i could leave this thing there, so i had to man up and try catch it. Boy can they run!! I chased it around the kitchen for a bit .. i ran to the couch and squeeled for a bit .. chased it a bit more .. squeeled a bit more .. then i sprayed it with some fly spray and the fucking thing flew at me!! I couldn't believe it, roaches don't fly!!!! Apparantly they do, and i kid you not, it flew at my head. It wanted to kill me. I wanted to kill it. It was on like Donkey Kong, this thing was about to go down more than Debbie when she did Dallas! .. now that i had sprayed it and it had used up all it's energy trying to fly at my head and suck my blood, it was a little tired and i was able to put a huge ass tupperware container over it. There was no way it could escape .. but i put a suitcase on top, just to be sure!



bloody cockroach!



So yes .. i guess i need to learn to live with the creepy crawlies a little better .. and i will work on it, i will work on it for one reason and one reason only .. it's because i want to be a fully pledged Bergian. I take my Bergian residence seriously and my aim before the end of this week is to find some poor sucker who doesn't know how to pronounce the suburbs properly and i will cane the fuck out of them! They'll soon be wishing they didn't pronounce that shit wrong. Be afraid you wanna-be-bergians, be very afraid!

I never said i wasn't wierd ..

It occured to me lastnight during a dinner conversation with the kids, just how wierd this little family unit is.

Although, to be completely honest it DOES occur to me several times a day, and quite often people will point it out to me anyways, just incase i had forgotten.

But anyways, back to lastnight .. I had already given the kids their dinner, and as i lifted mine out of the microwave it was hot to touch so i wrapped a tea towel around it and carried it over to the table. The conversation went a little something like this ..

Heath : *Sooky, whiny, teenage girls voice* "Awwwww, why do YOU get a towel and WE don't?" *insert highly dramatic frowny face*
Me : "I have a vagina too, you want one of those?"

Heath : " .... whats a vagina?"
Me : *shit, what did i say THAT for?* .. "Its a front bum. Eat your dinner!"

Notice that Roxiee had not taken any part in this conversation .. up untill now where i explained what a vagina was .. and then she pipes up with .. "me, ME! I want a Joiner! Pleassssse" ..

So yes, we aren't your average Brady bunch. We do some things like the brady bunch, i mean .. we try and sit to eat meals together, and we have our 'family days' .. but we don't have your regular Brady bunch conversations.

Now, i had a rough idea of some of the things i was going to mention in this blog about wierdness, but i didn't really have a definate story that i wanted to mention about Gregg, and i don't know how 'wierd' this classifies as .. but this is what just happened half way through the first section of my blog ..

*Hopping inside, literally HOPPING* .. "Sharon, somethings bitten me or gotten stuck in my foot, HELP" .. and with this little outburts, he hops his way over to the couch saying he is in immense pain. He throws himself down onto the couch with his right leg up in the air, foot pointing towards me so i can investigate .. which after much hesitation, i do .. i investigate his foot, i look past the mouldy cheese and the toe jam, and i find a splinter .. a splinter which has caused a grown man to hop about like a lunatic, and complain of immense pain! .. so i have a quick pick at it with tweezers and manage to accomplish nothing at all, and suprisingly, i don't even get joy from inflicting pain to him, now THATS wierd!! .. so, as im blogging, he is currently sitting on the couch trying to dislodge his huge splinter. He may, or may not have uttered the words .. "Sharon HELP me, if i can't get it out i wont be working!!!" .. he may, or may not have uttered these words in a panicked way. Now, im not taking the piss, i mean .. splinters are scary little fuckers, i mean .. it WAS half a plank of wood stuck in his foot .. it WAS life and death for a bit there .. it WAS touch and go, but as i type now, he is out of the woods, we worked together and removed the chunk of wood from his tender little footsies and he is currently moisturising. Crisis averted .. thank fuck for that. So .. moving right along and back to the wierdness of this family unit ..

Heath bought up a touchy subject today ..  "Mum, why did my willy go big and purple" .. Me : "Is it hard and purple now?" .. Heath : "Nah, it was hard and purple just before" .. Me : "Hmm .. well were you playing with it?" .. Heath : "Nah, not really. No, i wasn't actually" .. Me : "Well .. i guess you could go and ask Daddy because he has a willy and knows all about them" .. and off he goes, outside to talk to his Daddy. I watch them out the window .. Greggs shovelling dirt, and he suddenly stops .. i can't hear whats being said but it looks serious .. then Heath comes running back up to me .. "Mummmmmm, whats an erection?" .. Me : *jesus christ, it's not even 7am yet, seriously!!* .. i tell him that an erection is when your willy gets excited .. he wanted to know why willys get excited .. i wanted him to shut the fuck up about willys and erections! I wanted Gregg to stop giggling about it all while he shovelled .. and more than anything, i wanted Roxiee to stop repeating all the core words .. Roxiee : "Willy .. erection? .. HAAA .. THATS funny isn't it!?!" .. not really Roxiee, not really!!!

Roxiee's got this thing where she knows she will be something when she grows up and im all for being ambitious, but .. well she's just a little confused with what she can and cant be .. most girls might say they wish to be a ballerina? Or a vet? Or even a fireman .. not Roxiee .. she's very random and will burst out with her future wishes at any time .. Roxiee : "when i grow up, i want to be a willy" .. or .. "When i turn into a doggy, i will get to sleep outside!" .. or .. "One day, when im a boy, i will eat worms" .. i dont know what happens, i guess i just breed my kids this way ..

Heath on the other hand, he has this thing for collection pamplets, if anyone doesn't know what to get the kid for Christmas, i suggest you either spend $150 on the latest leggo star wars set, or get him a few Dominos Pizza menus. Everywhere we go, he wants the pamphlets .. he NEEDS the pamplets!! .. he has gone to the extreme of 'stealing' the pamphlets .. i say he can't have them and i carry on walking then through the corner of my eye i see him stuffing his pockets full of these pamplets. Pamplets, business cards .. he's all over that shit like a Nun to a dildo. The thing is, he knows he cant steal from a shop, he knows he cant steal a friends toy .. and he wouldn't dream of doing either of those things, but when it comes to pamplets and business cards he just cant control himself .. it's an absolute obsession. It's hilarious and i love it. We walk into a childcare centre and they always have that little 'parent info' area where theres loads of business cards etc, well .. Heath is in HEAVEN here, he can't believe his eyes .. I could leave him there for a day and know that no harm would come of him, i know he wouldn't move a muscle, he's too busy salivatating (is that a word?) ..
Recently, we got 2 puppy dogs .. they are part of our family. They wear blue zinc on their noses, and they wear sunhats. True story. Actually .. im in the process of toilet training them .. the way i have trained all my other dogs has worked so i figured it would work again this time .. every so often i take the puppies outside onto the grass and i say 'toilet' .. when i see them peeing i say "Good boy, toilet!!" .. so lastnight i called out to the puppies, "C'mon, lets go toilet" .. immediately Cougar hears the word toilet, he squats (he doesnt know hes a boy) and he pisses all over my floor .. my bad i guess, i DID say go toilet and i didn't specify where ..

Also, while on the subject of the dogs .. i wrote it as a facebook status the other day asking if this was wierd .. i count the pats, i count the pats on one dog so i know to pat the other dog as much. I really didn't need an opinion on that one, im totally aware that thats wierd!! But, i feel like i should express i dont do that EVERY time .. im not completely OCD, just occasionaly.

Heath and i have a bed time ritual .. we do a book and all the other 'Normalish' stuff, then we have a 'love-off' .. we talk about who loves each other more .. now i know that in regular families they probably say things like .. "I love you to the moon and back" etc etc .. well, thats not our thing!! .. we compare our love in measurements of poop, coz thats how we roll.

Me : "I love you more than all the poops, in all the elephants butts, in all the zoos, in the world!!"
Heath : "Shit, thats a lotta poop Mum!"
Me : "Heath, don't say shit, say poop"
Heath : "I love you more than all the poop in Daddys butt .. and Daddys butt sure does stink. Mum, i went to the toilet after Daddy the other day, do you think we should get him another toilet, for outside?" ..

.. Heaths recently started prep and is completely soaking up everything, EVERYTHING! The kid doesn't stop working, learning and doing experiments. He comes home from school, he reads his book and he sits at his desk writting, and reading, and writting .. he gets books from the book shelf and copies the words .. he just DOESNT stop. It got to the point where he wouldn't come outside, he wouldn't do anything other than work .. it wasn't healthy. So i sat him down and we had a big chat ..

Me : "now, i know you love school, and you are getting SO clever .. "

Heath : "I am getting clever. Let me show you how i read. And write. Mum, lets do writting!!"

Me : "No! I need you to listen .. you need to slow down! If you want to get even more clever, you need to do other things like come outside and play .. you need to also have fun, and balance things. You need to balance work and play and have a healthy ...*even i dont know what i said here* .. "

Heath : "Mum, what?"

Me : "Okay, listen here. You need to stop doing work sometimes or your brain will explode. It will get so big that it will explode and fall out your butt!"

Heath : "Whoaaaaaa shit!!"

.. meanwhile, next day at school .. after a quick chat with Heaths teacher she tries to help me out and have a word with Heath ..

Mrs Farley : "Heath, make sure you still do other things, like play outside, all that fun stuff"
Heath : "yeah yeah, or my brain will fall out my butt, i knowwwwww"

So all in all, im totally aware that not only am i wierd, but my whole little family are just as wierd .. and thats just the way i love them.

So what if im laying in the dogs pool ..

Look .. even my dog sleeps like a tard .. seriously!



Thats my girl!



I told you they wear sunhats ..

 

Auntie Aimz

Ok .. so you know how people sometimes say shit like 'dont bother reading this blagh blagh blagh' and then you automatically make a point of reading it .. well, seriously .. don't bother. This is for the worlds bestest Auntie who i have a somewhat crazy agreement with .. she knows that if anything were to happen to me, she is to be the new mummy, so i make a point of telling her new things that may be of importance .. like, you know .. if i change the medicine cupboard!! .. thats important, because if i were to be hit by a bus tomorrow, and one of the kids needed panadol .. well, the new Mummy would need to know where to find it!! .. so, really .. when i say "dont bother reading this" .. i really do mean it .. there's nothing interesting hidden in here, it's simply a new 'mummy lease agreement' for a Miss Amy Aimz Kennett.

So Amy, here goes nothing .. you asked for your own blog & here it is. As you know, stuffs changed since we moved to Bundy. You used to know where everything was in the last house, but now you don't even know where the house is. So .. first things first, get on a fucking plane and visit us, just saying! .. Avoca, Bundaberg .. and for the love of Jesus, please practice pronouncing Avoca .. it is not 'av-aka' .. it is 'av-O-ka' .. if all else fails, just pretend you are deaf and have the address written on a card so you can refrain from having to mess up the pronounciation and pissing off a wild native local.

Next - upon arrival, please refrain from being a complete pussy and fainting at the site of a brown, warty, cane toad .. these things are everywhere, and  im like .. totally cool with them. I let them climb all over me, we are tight .. besties. Me and the frogs are like .. meant to be .. like soul sisters and stuff. You mess with my frogs, and you mess with me! .. ha, just shitting you .. we kill the shit out of the toads now .. you'll be right! Heath will even teach you how he kills them if you like .. but we'll get to that later!!

Okay, so .. routine wise .. well Heath has school every day!! He has his routine chart on his wall, Mondays is boxing, he will box with Gregg in the garage after school.
Tuesdays is school banking day, you fill in his book, give him some cashies and send him on his merry way. Wednesdays is show and tell, i stay and watch his show and tell so i can take his things home. Wednesdays is also 'Happy room day' .. i go to the school at about 12.40, pick up the keys from the office and go set up the room, the kids come in and i hang out with them for the lunch break .. i also use this opportunity to chat quietly with Heath and ask if anyone has upset him, if they have i hunt them down and have words with them. True story!

After school Wednesday i give the kids a snack, we have a chillax and we normally head to the pools so they can have a play before their 5pm swimming lesson. The swimming lesson is fairly basic, probably the main thing to remember here is to try and not make eye contact with Roxiee during the lesson or she stops whatever she is doing, forgets she is meant to be swimming and she screams out as loud as she can .. "HI MUMMMMMMMY" .. then she goes under the water as she forgot to swim .. amusing to watch? Yes .. but you know .. probably not good for her in the long run! Now .. Heaths swim teacher, try also to not make eye contact with her as i think she is a horny lesbian .. but whatever, i mean .. if your at the lessons being the surrogate Mum it's because im dead so .. you know, whatever. Im not racist to lesbians, even when im dead ..

Thursdays is library day, he needs his library bag in his school bag. Friday is parade day, i stay and watch the school assembly. It's pretty funny .. oh, and when they sing 'advance australia fair' .. apparantly you have to stand up, as in YOU have to stand up .. i didn't know this!! But, thanks to the woulderbeast mother who is obviously a school assembly veteran, i now know .. but anywhos, i stay for the assembly so i can watch Heath get awards, which he should get every fucking week for his awesomeness! .. Now, as much as i love his teacher, and i do LOVE his teacher, i still make a point of giving her a death stare when she chooses a child other than Heath to receive an award .. it would be greatly appreciated if you could keep this up. I also mutter "ah for fucks sakes" under my breath as the other childs name is called out, not sure how effective this is but it makes me feel better.

Friday is then shopping day .. and cleaning day, as it's the day where Roxiee should be in kinder when the vacancy comes up. Friday afternoon is also Heaths boxing day, he will go with Gregg about 4.40is untill around 7pm.

Everynight Heath has to do his reading book, he's getting GREAT at it .. he's so amazing clever, but we already knew that. He also likes to teach Roxiee everything he has learnt and will often ask for different instruments to perform his experiments .. it's pretty cute. Today he was teaching me all about evaporation .. apparantly the clouds soak up all the water from our grass, and sends it back down as rain .. i asked him if the clouds also soaked up all the puppies wee from our grass .. then he didn't want to talk anymore.  Ha!

Heath has a sticker chart on the fridge, he loves doing his 'chores' and it's how he gets his money for the market on Sunday.

Now .. for Roxiee!! .. hmm. Well, im thinking a boarding kennell may be in order, but if you feel this is too harsh then you can keep her .. i mean, whatever, im dead already!! .. so, as you know she doesnt do preschool anymore, but when the good kinder gets a vacancy she will be going 2 days a week. And these will be the 2 days where i will be working with Gregg if we go ahead with the cleaning business, now .. as you ARE stepping in, you probably SHOULD go work with him ..  this is fun!! You see, Gregg likes to think he is the boss at work, so i like to really piss him off and annoy him as much as i can .. im sure you can think of ways to do this, and lets face it, he's fairly easy to piss off!

So Roxiee doesnt have too much of a routine at the minute as she's just finished up at preschool and things are all changing again, but she does read Heaths reader after him every night, and i try do some 'home school' type things with her every day, like counting, colours, letters etc .. she loves it. I also get her to help with some chores like putting her clothes away, helping me hoover etc. And she loves it. She also loves being a pain in the arse! I do try and make a big fuss over her during the day while Heaths at school as a lot of the focus is on Heath at the moment.

The puppies - hahahaha. Step one - get over your fear of dogs, that would be helpful!! They really are quite adorable, you may grow to love them!! Im up at 5 and i go straight out to them while everyones still asleep, we play, i change their water, pick up their poops, feed them and then walk them. Their food is all in the freezer, raw pet mince/rice/veg/pasta etc. And an egg once a week. And chicken necks. Meh .. i'll teach gregg what to do with the dogs!! .. Roxiee has to be supervised with them all the time though, as she is being very spitelful to them when she thinks im not looking!! They ARE very tolerant but i dont let her go outside without me anymore. The puppies get walked again about 6pm when it's cooled down. I bring them inside as much as i can .. but they are still learning to not pee inside, so i can only bring them in at the moment when i can watch them 100% and make sure they aren't peeing everywhere. When they are better toilet trained we would like them to come in lots :-)

Bedtime - it's 7pm these days as the heat/school week is wrecking everyone. Roxiee goes first and chooses a book, after the book she STILL has 'the funny thing' .. I'm sure you've had to do 'the funny thing' before? Where you have to make her teddies talk to each other about poop and other gross things to make Roxiee laugh. I forgot to do 'the funny thing' one night last week and i kid you not, at 2am Roxiee was beside my bed .. "Mummy, you didnt do the funny thing!" .. so, i don't forget anymore. On the odd occasion that Gregg puts her to bed i still go in and do 'the funny thing' as apparantly he doesn't do it right! .. she sleeps with her nightlight on and about 537,388 toys in her bed. Heath doesn't usually want a book anymore, so we just have a chat about his day in bed, then say goodnight. He doesnt want a light anymore as he's all grown up!!

First thing in the morning the kids usually come straight outside to me and the dogs, we all have a play and the kids help me feed them etc. Heath REALLY wants to start picking up the dog poop and now that im dead, let him go for it! haha.

Hmm .. im not sure what else i need to tell you? .. you know the obvious things, you know to love the shit out of my kids because they are the most amazingly, beautiful little beings ever. You know all that.

Oh .. Heaths got this thing .. when i say goodnight i have to tell him how much i love him and it has to be in comparison to poop .. like, "i love you more than all the poops in all the elephants bums in the world!!" .. then he tries to top it with .. "i love you bigger than your head!!!!" .. charming really. The cracker is that no matter what he says you have to laugh hysterically .. if you do not laugh you will spend the next hour consoling a very tired, emotionally drained school boy who is now gutted that he doesnt have comedian abilities. So laugh .. laugh like you've never laughed before!
Hmm .. i really can't think of anything else at this stage .. i know there has to be more .. but right now im all out of things .. perhaps part II will have to be continued ..

Oh, Molly the magpie - she comes by either the back or front door morning and night looking for some bread!! ..

just saying ..

.. just saying ..



It's bloody hot. I know it's hot because i get out of the shower, i dry myself, i moisturise and i then wipe the sweat from my body and am tempted to get back in the shower again as i already feel dirty. I try to sleep and it's like sleeping in a puddle. If im not swimming in my own sweat, im sticking to the sheets like a shit stain to jocks. So yes, in MY humbling opinion .. it's hot. And yes .. i am aware that i 'aint seen nothing yet' .. thank you bergians for telling me this several thousand times a day .. i AM aware that it gets hotter, just saying.


I am also aware that Aldi's is a cheaper place to shop, thank you to the bergians for telling me this, several thousand times a day. And thank you especially to the REALLY clever bergians who tell me this WHILE im pushing my trolley and shopping in Aldi's .. coz, i had no idea!! Shit .. just saying.


Oh .. my all time favorite .. you get snakes here? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Tell you what .. if it wasn't for the bergian tour guides (formerly known as elderly people who speak shit when they escape from their retirement villages) i would totally not be aware that there are snakes in this tropical, sugar cane-ish environment .. fuck me, guess i should stop sunbaking naked in the long grass surrounded by rats, mice and cane toads? .. Just saying ..


All up the bergians are very informative people .. they like to tell me about their place i guess, and perhaps they have been told that Southerners are retards? Perhaps i look like a retard .. whatever, really. Im not the one walking about it a long top and jeans. Im the southener who's sitting (passed out) in the shade skulling a bottle of water before i dehydrate, again, for the 3rd time today. It's hot and i don't care what you say, your just fucking wierd! Take some clothes off!




While im at it .. enough already of the suburb pronounciation thing .. i get it, i know i pronounce some of your suburbs incorrectly, but is it REALLY such a big deal that you need to pretend you have NO IDEA what suburb im making reference too? .. this is a convo i had with the neighbour yesterday .. (and convo = conversation, just saying!)


Me : "what about South Bingara? Is that a nice area in your opinion?"


Neighbour : "hmmm .. do you mean South Bingera?"


Me : *voice in my head* - "nah mate, im talking about fucking Mexico!" ..




.. i mean, REALLY?!?!? .. i made an 'a' sound instead of an 'e' sound and you pretend you don't know what suburb im talking about?!?! .. C'MON!!!!! ..




Now dont get me wrong .. im giving the bergians some shit, but i love it here very much. In general, most people here are fab and i cherish the friendships we have already formed, and the general rule is that if you weren't born and bred here, your alright, your normal .. but if you are born and bred here, well then your just fucking wierd .. and im cool with that!!

 Im cool with the old biddies in Aldis, you know the ones .. the ones where the husband is pushing the trolley, but he cant really walk .. he's too old, so he's just kinda leaning on it and it's moving along a little each time he shuffles his foot .. and the wife is opposite him, blocking the whole isle with her barge-ass as she looks at the biscuits and chooses which ones she wants, doesnt want, wants, doesnt want .. you wait patiently behind them as they are old and will probably die in a minute .. you wait .. you wait .. they don't die so you move slightly to the right with your own trolley so they can see that your trying to get through .. they still dont see you so you eventually pipe up with .. "Excuse me" .. to which of course there is no response because they are both so old, and dying, that they cant hear you .. so you get embarrased that you called out and they didn't hear and you spend a few seconds looking at whatevers on the shelf and pretend your interested in buying it .. that gets boring so you call out again .. "EXCUSE ME" .. then there is a brief second where you think that they might have heard you and they may move, and they do .. they move 3 steps further and continue blocking the isle as they now look at the selection of tea bags.. to drink with their biscuits, which they took 3 years choosing.

It then hits you that not only are your frozen goods in your trolley defrosting, they are also cooking themselves, and the old biddies in front of you, wearing their winter tracksuits, they JUST DONT GET IT! .. so you take 3 steps back, you get a little run up and you ram the fuck out of the back of their legs, you appologise, blame your 3 year old for distracting you and tadaa .. You then have a clear path to the register where you pay for your goods which are all now spolied, defrosted or cooked in the heat. Meanwhile, the old biddies are now in the first aid isle looking at the wide selection of bandaids for their varicose veins or whatever it was that you caused by your trolley ramming antics .. but they're old and dying anyways so it's all good .. just saying.

But anyways .. i need to go have a cold shower, it's bloody hot. Just saying.