My babies have grown up. Heath started school yesterday, and Roxiee started kinder last week. As per the last blog "if she cries, im screwed"" .. she cried the first day, she cried the next day, and she cried again today. And im not talking just crying .. she SCREAMS the place down, she kicks the teachers .. she wriggles out of their arms and she chases me through the building!! I cant turn around to cuddle her one last time, as my tears are already streaming down my face! All in all, it's fair to say she breaks my heart!! She may as well take my heart out, stomp on it, wrip it into tiny pieces, and flush it down the toilet, coz thats how much it hurts.
Last week, after dropping Roxiee off at kinder i still had Heath to hang out with and keep me busy, but today is my first time of having NO children .. i was hoping that i would do a full days work with my hubby today but there's not enough work today for me to have gone in with him ..
Im not loving the alone time, most people would say "Enjoy your childless time" .. blagh blagh blagh .. it's just not me!! Of course the kids have been in childcare before, but i have always worked so they were never just in care for no particular reason. I am a firm believer (dont bite my head off for this, we all have our own opinions) that WE decide to have children, WE bring these children into the world, and WE shouldnt particularly place these children into childcare unnecessarily .. by that i mean, i dont really think my kids should be in care unless BOTH parents are working. Not MY kids anyways!! .. other people can obviously do what they please and it's none of my business, but i PERSONALLY do not feel the need to put my kids into care so i can do my housework, or cleaning etc .. i find ways to multi task and involve my kids in these things and we do them as a team. In saying this though, when you see the grumpy, horrible mum yelling at her kids in safeway and being horrible and impatient .. then yes, maybe that child would be better off in care if the mum can't cope. Im not being judgemental .. i really dont care what others do with their kids, i just dont like palming over the responsibility of my kids to child care staff ..
So in saying all of the above .. one could probably see that im really struggling with the fact that im not working today, yet i am childless .. i really should keep reminding myself that i am not childless because my children are in childcare, because they aren't .. Heath is in school which is compulsory, and Roxiee is in PreSchool which is kinda important for her development! lol .. if i went to the school and asked to remove Heath from class because i missed him .. i dont think that would go down very well .. not with the principle, and not with Heath as he is madly in love with school.
Lastnight Heath couldnt stop talking about how much he loved school, and how many friends he made etc .. and then he told me about 'the bully' .. now this 'bully' apparantly came up to Heath during lunchtime and gave him a few punches, and wanted his chocolate .. i asked heath what HE did in return and he said he punched him back, he ate his chocolate and he walked away to find a teacher .. what happened after this is unclear as Heath is talking 100 miles an hour about detention and the big kids and the apple that was on the ground! I figured he wasn't TOO disturbed about whatever had happened as he didn't talk about it untill much later and the way he spoke about it didn't give me any concerns, it was very matter of fact. So today i said goodbye to him in the classroom and i stood for a few seconds and watched him through the window, he then turned around and came running out to me saying "The bullys right there mum, in the black jumper" .. so i marched in, i sat myself next to the bully and i asked him his name .. "Osama" .. or whatever it was .. "Right, did you hurt Heath yesterday?" .. Osama doesnt answer .. "You arent EVER going to hurt him again, are you?" .. Osama shakes his head, Heath smiles, i wave goodbye .. i walk off, i cry!! haha .. i miss him already. I think more than actually 'missing' him i am worried about whats happening to him when i cant be there to protect him .. who is checking to see he is happy .. if he is sad, will he spend the whole day being sad or will someone help him .. is he eating enough food .. although the teacher called him Mr Popular, has he REALLY made friends .. is he feeling left out .. is he feeling like the other kids are more clever as they are all reading and writing etc .. i spied on him through the window for a few minutes before the bell rang yesterday & i seen him washing his hands with another boy .. he was bouncing around and talking in his funny voice to make the other kid laugh, suddenly when i seen that all my worries were washed away and i knew he had enjoyed a lovely first day at school, and more important than anything else, i knew he had been himself. It was a huge sense of relief when those worries instantly dissapeared .. but then dropping him off again thismorning it was like Deja Vu and all the worries are back ..
I dont imagine any of these worries will ever dissapear totally. If they ever did, they would only be replaced by new worries. Miss Jenny rang to tell me Roxiee is having a great day .. doesn't matter .. last i seen of her she was a crying mess, with her arms out begging me to take her off the teacher and bring her back home .. i was being strong and kept walking like i was meant to .. another teacher came out to the carpark as i was driving off to tell me that Roxiee had ALREADY calmed down .. doesn't matter, she's a liar too!! .. lol ..
I think im just hormonal today .. but whatever the reasons, im certainly not enjoying my first day of 'no children' .. iv done the food shopping, iv baked the kids some fresh choc chip muffins which i will take to them when it's pick up time, and i have booked them into swimming lessons which start tomorrow afternoon .. im missing them like crazy and this blog really hasn't helped to make me feel better like it usually does .. so im off to go scrub some cupboards ..
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