If she cries, im screwed!

A friend just asked me what would happen if Roxiee cries at her first day of kinder tomorrow .. thus the title name of this blog .. "If she cries, im screwed!" .. So sometime 3 and something years ago, a little girl was dug out of my stomach, and her private parts were waved in my face with a loud presentation type voice of .. "See, it REALLY is a girl" .. that will learn me for telling the surgeon my doubts of approximately 17 ultrasounds saying we were having a girl, well what do you know, we WERE having a girl, we did have a girl, and tomorrow she's attending her first day at kinder. Well thats the plan anyways, i think im going to have to stay awake and man her bedroom door tonight with a swiper gun incase she tries to run away from home ..
yesterday i described Roxiee as a 'social butterfly', and she was! She would see children and gravitate towards them like a nympho to a dildo. Today however, she has morphed into a moody teenager who is at risk of losing all her allowance and her mobile phone, for the rest of her life!!! ..

We thought we had chosen the kinder for her, it was done and dusted and then today i had some spare time so went to quickly see a few more local kinders, the first one was gorgeous, and the ONLY reason i crossed it off my list, is because a staff member didn't smile at me when i smiled at her .. sorry staff member, but when there are SO many centres SO close together, you really need to get your shit together and put a smile on your dial. You looked way too emo and depressed, i was tempted to frisk you and see if you had razors in your pockets. I think she was one of these 'emo lesbians' i have heard about .. so thanks, but no thanks you emo lesbian. Off to the next centre we go ..

Next centre .. it's a real 'whatever' for me .. i don't love it, i certainly dont hate it .. it was okay. As we are walking out through the drive way Roxiee grabs my hand and says "Mummy, i HATE it" .. "you hate what Roxiee" ... "I HATE that kinder Mummy" .. Ohhhh, hello there panic stations, so in the blink of an eye lid im down at Roxiees level, im holding her hands, im looking at her lovingly and softly asking her "what did you hate Roxiee, you need to tell me" .. so, just to set this scene, YES we ARE in the middle of a road here but it's urgent, she's about to tell me something terribly horrible, perhaps while i had my back turned she witnessed a child being smacked by a staff member? Perhaps the emo lesbian followed us and is now in THIS centre? Perhaps theres more than one emo lesbian? Maybe they have multiplied? Breed? Shit .. go away you bad emo lesbians. Bad dog, bad!

Me : "Roxiee .. tell me why you don't like this kinder please"
Roxiee : "I HATE it Mummy, it has no swings"
.. Me : "get.in.the.car.please!"


Next centre, the last on the list -

Lovely director, confident .. knows what she's talking about, answers my 488,836 questions without batting an eyelid, she interacts with both my kids, she introduces me to staff, staff smile at me and theres not a single emo lesbain in sight .. tick!! I ticked all the boxes and was happy to see older, kind, ladies who are actually school teachers working in the kinder room. I leave Roxiee in the room to play while i go talk shop with the director .. after 10 minutes i go back into the room and Roxiee is happy as a muslim in a wrap. I tell her we will be coming back tomorrow for a bigger play and guess what she tells me ..

"I HATE it Mummy" .. arms crossed accross her chest and all .. my bad, did she eat some hormone pills?

I know she doesn't hate it, there is nothing to hate, it has SWINGS for fucks sakes!! And a farmyard!! And an expensive box of tissues at the front desk, that's really important man!!!

So, all in all .. if she cries tomorrow, im screwed! I couldn't cope with leaving her there crying!! I dont need any lectures on "just walk away and trust the staff to settle her" .. i know the deal, i know how that works and im sure i will give myself that lecture, but i wouldn't leave her there crying.

.. if she cries tomorrow, im screwed!

Skinks .. did i mention skinks?

oh my lord .. holy mother of England, did i ever mention the skinks? They look okay when they are up high,  but then .. all of the sudden they run and MAN can they run!! They freak me the hell out, AND, much to my delight, lastnight i discovered that behind my husbands tough macho exterior, they also freak HIM the hell out!!

So i'm in the kitchen doing whatever it is that we women always seem to be doing in a kitchen, possibly preparing a meal for someone, possibly washing someones dishes .. maybe pouring someone else a drink or perhaps some other form of slave labour that we engage in as Mothers and Wifes, but perhaps that is its very own blog .. the point here was that i was in the kitchen and i noticed Gregg walking back into the front door after his smoke .. 2 seconds after i noticed him walking back in i couldn't help but notice the shriek that he let off .. imagine for a second if you will, a high school girl of say, 14, maybe 15? She's trying to impress a random, pimpley kid who she's madly in love with and she gives off that squeely, shrieky, loud screechy kinda noise that they do .. well, THAT .. THAT was gregg, that was my knight in shining armour (also known as my English donkey in tin foil) .. back to the point, it appears that a skink had followed him inside. Now, i don't want to completely remove his manlyhood, so perhaps i could exagerate and say that the skink was actually a really large spider, a penis eating spider. But we all know that's not true .. it was a skink, a teeny, tiny skink!! ..

We had a brief meeting .. im talking, all of about 5 seconds where we discussed how the hell we would get this thing back outside and far, far away from my dining room where it was currently running about doing circles under my dining chairs. Gregg chased it for a bit, trying to put a glass over it .. it was all quite amusing to watch from my place on top of the kitchen bench where my feet were well and truly raised from the floor just incase the thing launched itself at me and tried to eat me alive. Coz, they do that you know! They do!!

Eventually Gregg asked for the dustpan and brush, and i would gladly have helped him .. but i was safer on top of that bench and i wasn't getting down! A few quick laps around the kitchen table and Gregg had secured (safely) one little skink which was then placed back outside with it's friends. I climbed off the bench, Gregg had a smoke to calm his nerves and we all lived happily ever after, both deciding that we would never again speak of the nightmare where a skink entered our house and put us at risk of heart attacks ..

Oops, did i just blog that all out loud?

Grab somebody sexy, tell them HEYYY.

So, the title actually has nothing to do with the blog, i was just hanging to write that somewhere today and a facebook status update didn't seem like the right time or place, it just wasn't fitting, but a blog title was. So .. whatever! Suck a fart!


In other news - we are here!! We are all in our new 'home sweet home'. Gregg arrived here on Monday, the furniture arrived (SAFELY, i might add) on Wednesday (EXACTLY as scheduled, i might also add!) and the children and i arrived on Wednesday evening after our exciting day of 2 flights. The first flight was fine, the second flight .. not so good! For starters, it was a smaller plane, which i was expecting .. but for those who are unlucky enough to be confronted with my many facebook status updates, you would already know that my thoughts on the second plane went a little something like this .. "ITS A HELICOPTER! ITS A FUCKING HELICOPTER!!" .. but, we did arrive safely without too many mishaps!! Ha, i totally didn't even poo my pants!

It's been a busy first week, a school has been chosen for Heath, a kinder has been chosen for Roxiee, Greggs looking at buying a cleaning business and im going to hand resumes into childcare centres OR look at doing my own cleaning type business as an extension to Greggs. The house is completely unpacked, (just dont look in any cupboards, or the garage .. and possibly refrain from looking under beds too) and we have also been doing some day trips with a few of Greggs relatives who are down for the week. All this and more, in the very first week!!


It's funny walking around the shops here, people know straight away that we aren't 'bundabergians' as we are sporting our shorts and singlets while they are all rugged up in their winter clothes. Another dead give away is the pale skin we are all wearing! Actually .. there's MANY things that seem to be advertising our 'un-localness' at the moment .. apparantly we are terrible at pronouncing the names of suburbs here and the REAL locals have an ABSOLUTE issue with this .. me to taxi man "yes, i live in Avoca" .. taxi man : "where?" *insert bewildered face here* .. Me : "Avoca" .. thinking he hadn't heard me i said it louder "AVOCA" .. taxi man : "Avenell heights?" .. Me : "no, AVOCA .. A-V-O-C-A" .. Taxi man : "Ohhhh, AVOKA" .. so apparantly it NEEDS to be pronounced with a K and not a C, despite the fact that it's spelt with a C .. whatever dude! Shit, get a cane toad up ya! Seriously!! This has happened a million times though, people are seriously protective over their suburb pronounciation!! I feel like their should be tafe courses for this shit so i can stop offending the locals!


Another thing showing how touristy we are .. our driving! Our interpretation of the road markings here .. holy mother of england the road markings (lack thereof) are flipping insane!! There's no 'give way' markings on the roads so i carry on driving on roads where i clearly should have stopped as there is an exceptional fast car coming at me from the other side of the road! Ugh .. at least i still have Victorian plates so perhaps people will be more understanding! And the one small incident where i sat in the turning lane but continued to go straight ahead at the intersection .. well, lets not go there! Where i come from the turning lanes are defined by arrows or similar markings and NOT by the people behind me beeping thier horns and overtaking me. I guess this will take some getting used to!

Apparantly i speak another language too .. me to bottle shop man "one bottle of Cougar please" .. bottle shop man "Crougar? Whats that?" .. Me "COUGAR, right there, bottom shelf" .. bottle shop man : "Oh, Cougar, it's obviously NOT for you love" .. Me : "why's that?" .. bottle shop man : "well coz you said cRougar, not Cougar" .. fuck meeeeeeeeeee! I said Cougar!! Besides, if you didn't keep it BEHIND your counter i wouldnt have had to have this stupid conversation with you! What the hell is it doing behind the counter anyways? Shit, makes me want to go drink the petrol from his Subaru tank!


Bugs - creepy crawlies .. things that shouldn't exist in places other than hell .. they live in my backyard!! We drive past housing estates, we see gorgeous houses and we see kangaroos jumping past the front doors (i actually think thats adorable at the moment!!) .. meanwhile, in MY backyard i'v seen huntsmen bigger than Heaths head, a green tree frog, a cane toad, skinks, peckerheads (ibis - for those of you who like to be fancy!) and so much more! The kids and i count the dead cane toads when we go walking.

All in all, we are all ABSOLUTELY loving Bundaberg! I moan about things in a playful kinda way .. you know that song .. "I am woman, hear me moan" .. it's what we do. I actually really love it, i just need some more time to find my feet and get into a steady routine and find my way around. Im missing people from home, but im looking forward to meeting new people and making our own new adventures.


Signing off for now .. i have a flying ants nest by my bed that needs attending too .. oh, and for those that aren't in 'the know' .. "Quay street" is of course, pronounced "Key street" .. naturally!

Tomorrow is the start ..

So tomorrow is D-day, the kids and i will wake up in Vic tomorrow, and lay our heads to rest in our new house, in our new state, for the first night of our new chapter together. Gregg left on Sunday morning and it feels like he's been away for weeks, it will be nice to be all together again.

Since the house sold, I feel like everything has happened at 100 miles an hour .. Yesterday the truck came and collected all the furniture, that was a suprisingly SAD 4 hours of watching my house be emptied. I found it hard being all alone in the empty house with no Gregg and no kids, it would have been nice to have all been together for that, but shit happens and im being a sook!!! On the brighter side of things .. The removalist man .. He is a cracker!! Let me introduce you to Bob! The minute i met him i liked him, i just didn't know if he could safely deliver our furniture! For starters, he is less than half the price of everyone else .. Why, i hear you ask? Im hoping to not find out!!! BUT, this was the one decision which was left in my husbands (hopefully) capable hands!

Throughout the period of booking with Bob he has made a few worrying statements/comments such as :

"hey, whos this"

"sorry mate, i forgot all about you"

"yeah it should all fit in the truck mate. If it fits, it fits. Tell your missus not to stress"

And more recently, DURING the packing of the truck :

*snap* .. "oops. Im going home. Sharon, sorry love, i broke this"

"shit, thats us done, your gunna have to crocodile strap the rest to the car"

"yeah, im going to NSW, right"

"shouldnt be telling you this but i nearly blew the truck up last week"

And my personal favorite, this one was just the icing on the cake .. I had an unexplainable amount of relief when everything was secured into the truck, every last box was in there , nothing was left behind!! I confirmed the address with him, ensuring we were heading to the same state!!!! Then i watched him pull out (and picked up the tree branches he kindly trimmed with the wall of his truckupon reversing).. I locked up the empty house and headed back to my dads house to pick up the kids and meet a friend for lunch .. Im 2 streets down the road wearing my relieved smile and enjoying being able to move my shoulders with the huge weight lifted from them and what do you know?!?! Of course i see my very truck, with all my furniture and my trusty mate bob, pulled over to the side with the hazard lights on ... Out comes Bobs little arm, waving me through as if to say "nothing to see here love, carry on" .. And i do just that!! I mean.. He was probably making a phone call, trucks dont have 'phone call lights' so surely hazard lights were the next best thing .. Its not like he would have been having an actual hazard .. Not my mate Bob!!!

P.S if anyone finds my relief, please mail it back to me!

Being a good mum

Occasionaly someone says something to me, along the lines of 'your a good mum' .. It may be a definate statement, or it may be in passing conversation. No matter how its said, it has a huge impact on me, whoever said it may as well have paid my mortgage, given me a million dollars, a new pair of shoes and a punnet of strawberries!! .. (i actually dont like strawberries but for the purpose of making my point there it fitted in well and sounded good, so please .. Don't bring me strawberries!)

I have lots of important people in my life, but the kids are by far THE most important. I strive to be a good mother, and dont care if i fail at everything else. Sometimes i do a terrible job and get it all wrong, sometimes i yell too much, sometimes i step back and think "wow, i was really hard on the kids today" .. Sometimes i don't give them enough attention, sometimes i smother them, sometimes i swear in front of them .. NEVER though, never ever do i praise myself for being a good mummy, not untill someone else tells me so and then i give myself a quiet pat on the back.

So although im giving myself a quiet pat on the back right now, never will i think im a good enough mummy to stop trying to be better!!

Now, enough of the deep, im fucking exhausted!!

15 more sleeps ..

So in only 15 more sleeps, we will be arriving at our new house!! In Queensland!! Which is far away!! It's not down the street from my dad, it's not around the corner from my mum, it's not near Gregg's family, it's not near my step son, nor is it near any other friends or family. It's far away!! 2 plane rides away!! .. or 25 hour drive away. Is it obvious that im starting to freak out? ..

Today, out of nowhere i started to get teary about it all as at the end of the day it IS a big move from everything and everyone i know, but i just need to remind myself the reasons for moving .. a better life for the kids. There is nothing more important than that, and therefor my tears were gay and unecessary and gay. Did i mention they were gay?

Im sure anyone would get a little teary, and i have an allergy which makes it worse. I have an allergy to goodbyes .. i really don't want to do the big goodbye party/drink etc, i just want us to disappear, or carry on saying goodbye as i have been in the past few weeks, catching up with people gradually and saying goodbye without actually saying goodbye. And its not even goodbye, it's just like getting a really fancy job, i will see people less .. not never!! .. anywho, thats gay!

I am fairly impressed with how organised i am!! Most of the house is packed, the rental is secured, im still fairly confident with the school and childcare i think i'v chosen and we already have a house in mind which we have just quietly fallen in love with!! .. I have even planned the little invite cards i will give to Heath to hand to some little friends at the new school inviting them to playdates so he can make friends easier. Flights are booked, rent is paid, furniture removalists are booked (as long as he remembers to turn up with his truck, he is a charming but elderly drunken man, probably with no licence) .. boxes are everywhere as is excitemement!!
Bring it on :-)